She is light years ahead of you in thinking about custody, finances, where to live, and going over scenarios on how to be in the best position after (you may not believe it but it is true). She has likely already talked to many people about how to be in the best position possible to get your money and the children. You have been blindsided and have been working on self improvement in hopes of reconciliation. She has not.
I think you are right that she has choreographed the last several months. I wouldn't say I was blindsided, because I assumed we would D. But I do realize by some of her comments she has done her own legwork investigating what works best for her.
During the last 6 months, I have consulted friends (and a L) about my custody and financial options. I knew this was coming, although I was obviously not fully emotionally prepared. I don't feel completely blindsided as far as what my options are.
One thing I should say - my W does value her career. But she has a dream scenario where she works 2-3 days per week and spends a ton of time with the kids. She is not trying to leverage a SAHM deal out of this. The problem I have is that I should not be subsidizing her dream lifestyle. It will be pitched as if her slowly ramping up is a better transition for the kids.
Originally Posted by Maika
I know custody is tough but get 50/50 now instead of delaying it for the future. You don't know how amenable W will be in the future to make amendments to your separation and divorce agreements. You're just kicking a whirl of trouble down the road rather than dealing with it all right now.
One thing I want to investigate is if future 50/50 can be written into the divorce agreement up front. For instance, I don't know, we do 40/60 for a year, then transition to 50/50. No idea if this is possible to write in up front. It is honestly what I want though.
Originally Posted by MLCxH
This is my opinion, but I feel that filing may actually work out better for you given your current sitch. Based on your posts, it appeared the MR was dead and your W was not motivated to try to R. You were already separated and the financial & custody terms did not seem favorable to you. Made me wonder what was preventing you from filing since you seemed to have all the disadvantages of being D without a lot of the benefits.
Read the posts by the others above, there is some good advice there especially about having a good lawyer to represent you.
MR was completely dead. More dead than I even thought. No point digging a hole every month financially for no greater purpose.
Looking back on everything, I understand much of my W's behavior. When our MR was unraveling, she got this idea in her head that I was scary and unpredictable. It explains so much of what happened in the last year plus.
I was living in a lot of fear myself especially since April. I have no doubts she considered plans to get full custody and move back to her hometown. Out of fear I gave way on many details to avoid a legal situation during the separation.
My W has remarked that I seem calmer and happier the last few times we have talked. I think she recognizes that I am not a scary monster. She doesn't want to cut me out of the kids' lives. She does seem nicer now. She brought over some Halloween decorations for my house. I recognize this could be just a "nice" phase and I should be prepared for more ugliness.
I know she probably wants >50/50 in perpetuity, and an easy landing for her to ramp up her career slowly, and there will be some friction and yes I will likely need a L at some point to help me out. At the moment I do not worry that she will lawyer up and threaten to leave with the kids, but I also know things may change. She may be having a flood of temporary goodwill.
