The term spackle is a chump lady term. It means coating over something. She also has this great quote “codependency is the addiction to the potential of things”
In my last relationship (and in my marriage) I kept looking past things that I was unhappy about. Kept ignoring things I didn’t like because I thought there was potential for them to change or because I thought maybe there were some redeemable qualities that would overcompensate. Telling myself things with last boyfriend like “it’s not realistic for someone to be perfect. He’s not cheating or an addict, so I can deal with this other crap”. Really, he was rude, offensive, lazy, and arrogant.
My ex husband was never around. Needed lots of space. So I told myself , I’m not the needy type. I will just have my own friendships and hobbies. What I wish I had done in hind site was said “having a partner to share my life and do things with is really important to me. It’s not important to him. That’s an incompatibility and I should find someone that thinks along the same ways that I do.” Instead, I was lonely, unhappy, and resentful (and I later found out he was a secret high functioning addict which is why he wasn’t spending time with me - so I sacrificed thinking I was too needy and needed to compromise for someone that was really abnormal in his actions)
When I was dating last guy and brought up concerns, Someone had recommended this book about how older woman should just settle. And my mindset at the time was similar. I was thinking how ridiculous it would be for me to have expectations from a person that I was dating. But you know what? You should have standards and expectations. Or else you become a dish rag. I broke up with my last bf because I figured out, I would rather be alone then not having my expectations met. And my expectations were mine and fair. I think the world “expectation” can be substituted with the word “boundary”
You have communicated your needs already. . What you have to decide is whether to be with someone that hears you but can’t or won’t try to meet your needs. It was something ginger and Andrew struggled with recently and something i struggled with as well. I think when dating people that aren’t meeting our needs - it’s a good time to end the exclusivity and date others as well, so you can comparison shop. If you find someone that does meet your needs - then you become exclusive.
I think when dating - the big determining factor before committing to someone should be “am I important enough to this person that they try to make me happy”
