I'm definitely in a bit of a depression. I recognize it so much better now, but also don't deny that I am depressed. Some mild panic attacks. I'll get through it but I know the next few months will be rough. The beginning of fall and shorter days is not going to help. I know this about myself, which also helps me know I will pull through it eventually.
I did feel some relief when my W said she fell out of love awhile ago. I felt relieved to hear she has been feeling this way for a long time. It explained so much. It also made me frustrated. I really believe the disruption of our relocation 2 years ago, including the stress of making the decision beforehand, was the cause of all this. Neither of us was equipped to handle the stress, or support each other, in the ways we needed. I think my W resents me for the move, and maybe doesn't realize that part of it. There's no going back, although I do wonder had we not moved, would our MR be different? Maybe so. Would I be happier? I don't know.
The custody issue is a really tough one for me. I honestly believe with all the logistical realities and setting feelings aside, a transitional period towards 50/50 will be best for my kids, if we can agree to that.
This is really just the beginning of the disruption of this divorce. The big logistical hurdle right now is going to be where we both decide to live, and hopefully that is near each other for the sake of our kids (my viewpoint, not sure about hers). There are 2 sensible areas: one is near where I live now, but that is expensive. Anywhere else is going to be a bad neighborhood, or so expensive that it means a 2BR apartment. I doubt either of us want that. Another area is about 30 minutes away, much more affordable, better place for kids, but a longer commute for me to work (although I can telecommute some days).
My W wants to discuss the house next week, so this ball is going to get rolling. It seems like now that she saw the numbers, and how we are digging a hole the longer the separation goes, she is geared up to push things through. I am completely on board with this. I can only assume she is talking about selling the house, unless she wants to try to arrange buying me out and refinancing it. I think she realizes she will not be able to stay there regardless.
It's all so overwhelming. Looking at the numbers I think the next 2 years are going to be really really hard. I worry about the impact to the kids. I have no idea where we will settle down. Being divorced in this area of the country is a nightmare. My rental feels small and cheap, and yet, I don't think I can afford it long-term with these support payments.
