Thank you so much for your advice last week. I did read it immediately, and took everything to heart. I have taken a break from the forums, both posting and reading, and I think it has done me some good.
I am going to try to keep this post short, because I don't have much emotional energy right now.
In short, W and I agreed to proceed with filing for D.
We had a follow-up with the financial advisor 2 days ago. She walked us through the numbers -- what the state calculator suggests I would owe in support, how much we are overspending right now. It was not a pretty picture but I expected it. It was clear we could not keep going in separation long-term without spending away our savings.
Afterwards my W asked if I wanted to join her for lunch. I said yes.
I can't run down the whole conversation, it is too long and I'm worn out. But in short, she asked me honestly if I had romantic feelings for her anymore. And I said no. And it was the truth. After the last year plus of feeling so unsupported, sometimes accused, mistrusted... I don't have romantic feelings for her. That's not to say they could never be rekindled I guess, but that's beside the point. I said I would have liked to work on things. She told me she fell out of love with me 14 months ago, after an argument we had where she ended up bawling in the bathroom. This was before MC1. I will never understand why she didn't just tell me, or why she didn't work on things harder in MC1 (rather than just ask me to do more chores). I know I know... it is how these things go. She said she was waiting for me to "win her back." I thought this was odd, that relationships are 2-way streets, and I tried in my own way to win her back. I don't know what she wanted. Our relocation to this new area 2 years ago precipitated every thing, our problems go back to before the move, and the stress involved in making that decision. She clearly has some resentment. I can't change her feelings. It is what it is.
So we're planning to go ahead with filing, and try at the start at least to work out what we can without lawyers.
She asked me if I would move back to where her family lives. I said no. I have no job opportunities there. She asked if she could move there with the kids, and fly them up to see me, and I said no.
She said she consulted a lawyer at one point, and it sounded like this person advised her she could go to court and press things hard (probably with my apology letters) and maybe get her way on moving. But she didn't want to do that.
She was crying a lot, and when we walked back to our cars she grabbed my arm and held on tight. I felt numb. Maybe from shock.
It's all a big mess right now, but we are going to proceed and try to at least talk amicably up front about what we want and make some decisions. I know she prefers to stay in the marital house, but it will have to sell. She saw the numbers. I mentioned an area that would be a longer commute for me, but a great place to raise kids and much more affordable (we live in one of the most expensive areas of the country). It might be better. I didn't promise I would move there. But I'm pretty sure it would be better than living in the expensive area of town. My support payment is eye poppingly large, and I will probably have to move to a less expensive rental. Maybe a 2 BR where the 3 kids share a room for a couple years. I don't know. It's going to be a huge change.
I also mentioned I would want 50/50 custody eventually. She said she might be okay with that if she could pick up the kids from school, etc. on my days when I'm at work.
I know I may need to retain a lawyer at some point, if only for simple guidance on the details. I'm not going to be hasty. If we split the assets, and agree on support payment in line with the state guidance, and the custody plan can be worked out to trend to 50/50 in a couple years, I don't see what else I need. Maybe I am naive.
I also don't know how much we can bang out without lawyers. I know I am conflict avoidant and may cave on details. It concerns me, but at least I am aware. I have one dominant priority - what's best for the kids. Right now 50-50 is not best. I'm trying to figure in my head exactly what I want, and what is best for them developmentally.
I think my W kind of choreographed the last year of our lives, got scared about exiting the marriage and how I would react. It could have been avoided, but in the process I found this place and have grown so much. Although our talk the other day didn't affect me much, the day after it hit me hard. It's a gut punch. I realized I was emotionally abandoned for over a year. But I've been through it before and I know I can get through this now. I have so many people here to thank for that, I don't know how I would have gotten to the positive state of mind I have right now. I am certainly struggling, and grieving what could have been, and wondering how it all went wrong, but I know I have to focus on me, focus on the kids, focus on standing up for myself.
A few hours after this, I had my Monday dinner with the kids that I negotiated. I brought them to my house and we ordered pizza. I played cards with my son, built Lego's with D5, and played a game with D3. It was the best 3 hours of my week. They were all so engaged and happy to be here, I could tell. I can't wait for Friday when I have them for 4 days (including a school holiday on Monday).
Sorry for the disjointed post. I'm sure I'll be back in a few days to post more, for now I need a break. Apologies also to the other regulars whose threads I usually comment on -- I'm sure I'll be back more frequently once things settle a bit.
