I've been on this forum for the past 2 weeks, reading all the DB threads for newcomers, Sandi's threads on WW, MWD’s book, and everyone else’s story. Thanks to the veterans for your wisdom and time, and I’m sorry for everyone else’s pain.
Here is my story so far… I’ll try and stick to the facts (from my VP), notable milestones, and skip the daily conversations / lies – maybe I’ll follow that up in another post or if anyone has questions.
H: 40 WW: 37 Married: 7 years Together: 16 years No kids (thankfully)
July 2019 - Initial BD
I noticed some weird behavior with W, and upon further digging discovered text clearly indicating EA with a co-worker who was also unhappily married. Followed by couple weeks of lies about ending it with AP. Then during a drunk argument at home, she called AP to pick her up, and ended up spending the night at a hotel with AP.
I immediately went into crisis mode while dealing with the initial trauma and started researching A’s and whether or not that I or MR can survive / recover from it. Mostly because prior to this, I was always convinced that PA’s are black and white, and that I would immediately D. I tried to get her to watched of online videos and read articles on recovery / healing, but she half-hearted attempted but not committed.
Aug 2019 – Another BD (wait for it… it gets better)
… still living together and pretending to function daily as a couple with frequent MR discussions.
W comes home from work HH drunk and decides to BD some more:
~5 years ago, she had an ongoing 1-year PA with OM who was close couple friend of ours. This one hurt quite a bit being betrayed by a friend, but at the same time made me feel sane somewhat. Since W and I actually had several arguments back then about why she would be texting and deleting text with him, and also why she had a sudden negative change of attitude towards OM. Come to find out that he ended the A after he broke up with his GF and met someone new.
~4 years ago, she came home in the wee hours after a work event because she was drunk and ended up at male coworker’s place. Honestly, one-night stand seems like peanuts to me compared to the other stuff…
Given the severity of multiple BDs… we decided to get MC to help us. The first couple of sessions help surface some underlying resentment and communication gaps, but after that, it felt like it was going around in circles regarding guilt and resentment that W was clearly not ready / willing to let go. Not to mention that after the first session, W had another episode where we got into an argument in the morning, and she ended up drinking too much at work social event then staying in a hotel with AP that night.
Sept 2019 –
… somehow still living together and pretending to function daily as a couple with frequent MR discussions (lots of cake eating on W part, but I made sure it tasted bad with all the discussions :P)
Attended a couple more MC sessions, but between contact with AP and episode of not coming home, the therapist politely mentioned that she typically does not do counseling with couples when there is AP involved still. The therapist even suggested that one of us move out to get separation if she continues to do this and I was not okay with it. We did agree that it's not okay for her to disrespect me, and expect me to respect her coming home.
Following Friday, she left for work in the morning perfectly fine, somehow after work drinking, she decided to stay the night at hotel with AP. Came back briefly on Saturday apologized about hurting me only, then left to dinner and talk with AP. She mentioned to me that she can’t continue to be pulled in 2 different directions every day, and she needed some space to figure out what she wants. She came back Sunday to pack some stuff, come to find out she got a short-term rental over the weekend and moved out. I don't know if it was triggered by the talk with the therapist, or she just wanted to be with the AP, or both - I assumed the worst.
At this point, I was both in shock and numb from all the recurring trauma. I was desperately searching for answers and discovered DB and another website (MB). This is where I learned and recognized the patterns of WW, and that I needed to let her go and do NC, GAL, 180, etc...
… it’s been 2 weeks since the unofficial S.
W frantically reached out last week wanting to talk about us. I tried to avoid it, but she pushed for it, so I caved in last week and we talked a bit, grabbed dinner, then I dropped her off... I know, I know… Sorry!
She mentioned that she was struggling emotionally at home and work sometimes. She also said that having some space gave her some clarity and that MR had a lot of good things. She keeps thinking back years ago wondering if we could have done things differently somehow, even though we clearly were not communicating effectively then. She is torn between not wanting to throw everything away, yet not being able to let go of the guilt of walking all over the relationship, or as I interpret it… not able to let go of the EA/AP. I told her that it didn’t work when I tried to fix her, so this is a journey she needs to go on alone to figure out, and that she should get her own IC and talk to some safe people. I tried to validate, but honestly, it's something that I suck at - feels fake.
So we are effectively in S / Limbo for now.
Random thoughts up to this point –
- Seems to be recurring theme with drinking and something bad happening. Compulsive drinking (not me) has contributed to many past arguments in the relationship outside of EA.
- For years, I had anger issues (yelling, throwing / breaking stuff, name calling), did not speak her love language and neglected her emotional needs (even though we actually spent a lot of time doing activities together), and dismissed her when she asked / nagged for help out around the house (often escalated into bad arguments). I understand that I am not responsible for her actions, but I understand how it contributed or helped led us down that path. I now am aware and doing a 180 to better myself for any future relationship whether it’s for this MR or other.
- I made the mistake of attempting to fix W and MR upon BD. I am now aware of the WW mind set, as all the behavioral patterns match up. She was clearly not ready or wanting to move forward together, and I was pushing her away. I am letting her go on her own journey.
- I don’t think I would have enforced the unofficial S myself, we kind of fell into it. After some initial adjustment and research, I honestly think it’s been good for us to detach, GAL, NC, 180 and manage my daily emotions. I have enough friends, activities, hobbies, work to keep me busy 50% of time. When I’m having a bad day and spiraling, I just come read the site and re-read all the rules.
- There are some sh*tty people out there: spouses, friends, co-workers, M/F that would do these things. I have lost a lot of faith in people in general.
- It seems that any long-term relationship regardless of my actions can build up resentment towards WS / MLC, and it is sad how relationships end. How do you know if the next person doesn’t turn out like this after 10-15 years? I always thought you could spot the crazies a mile away, and my D friends were just really bad at spotting them. However, meeting someone and having them read relationship books seems like a romance killer… “Hey, I have so much baggage from my prior relationship, you should read these books before we have a relationship!”
- So far, it’s been an interesting journey learning about me, WW, relationships, H/W dynamics and communication, brain chemistry addiction and attachment. There are a lot of overlapping materials on this, and most of the behavioral patterns identified are spot on.
- I also have much more empathy for the pain that other people go thru when dealing with EA or D, both sides.
- Is W serial? Or just one long case of WW that was never exposed and healed, with necessary changes in the MR. Seems like with no kids, and both working and able to support ourselves, it seems obvious to just D and run for the hills. Everyone seems to say don’t make these life decisions while I’m emotional.
