Is the rest of my life ruined???

[Ske0187]

Venting...

I figured after almost two months my emotions would have stabilized more than they have. I'm surprised at my emotional instability. By that I mean that I thought I'd be less sad, angry and bitter by now but it's not happening like that. I'm in the "I'm getting divorced" mindset and it's getting worse. I'm always thinking about how she could've done what she has done.

Totally unproductive.

I've been accepting of all of the emotions I've had so far and I guess I'll have to accept these again too. After having all of this in my life before, I always said I wouldn't ever accept being in this mindset again.

I thought I had handled all of this and have been detaching. Then I found out about them being together on my birthday. Now, I feel just like I did after BD. I'm worried about what she's doing when she's not at home. That's total BS and super unproductive. I don't need to feel that way. I don't want to feel that way. It just tells me that the results of my efforts to detach aren't as far along as I thought or hoped they would be. I though I was more detached than I obviously am.

It just pisses me off. Listening to her BS about how I was so horrible that she went to somebody else. What a crock. Then she tells me Saturday that she pushed her hopes and dreams off for me for 12 years and didn't have kids because I didn't want them. (True I didn't, but she knew that when we married plus it ended up she couldn't have any.) That we got married and I moved to DC for two years. I didn't, but had to travel up there relatively often.

I couldn't abide the kids comment and had to retort ("Yet there are two upstairs and it took six years to get them.") I could see that kind of cracked her delusion a little. The facts just didn't conform to her revision of our history so it affected her for a second.

We had a discussion about not hurting the kids. She said that no matter what happened, she knew she could always trust me to take care of the kids and she would never do anything to hurt them either. I then had to bring up that when she starts talking about our R or wanting to argue in front of them it hurts them. She got pissed about that. I know I shouldn't have said that and I'm trying not to. My mistake.

I'm just glad I didn't say what I really wanted to. I wanted to say, "Yeah, like doing something that would almost ensure the complete destruction of our family. Knowingly doing something that you are certain is a complete deal breaker for me and cause the kids to go the rest of their lives seeing their father 50% less than they could have. Me dying soon enough and not getting to spend half of the time I have left with them. I know that's a bit morbid but that's where my mind goes.

She said that she knew if it wasn't for the kids I'd be gone already. VERY TRUE.

She also reiterated that she's not going to live the rest of her life saying she's sorry about having the A.

The situation is still very new but there are so many things going against an R that I just can't even imagine getting to a place mentally to do it.

The big ones are:

1. She sees the OM everyday at work and goes just about everywhere with him. Won't stop and lies about it.
2. She keeps blaming me for the A. She always says I know the decision was mine "but".
3. The revisionist history.
4. Complete and total resentment based on her twisted opinion of our entire married life. I KNOW she was happy for some of it at least.

Booooo....