Persistent Endurance (Part 6)

[curtis7]

Retrouvaille...wow! What an experience. That was the most emotionally charged event I’ve ever been a part of. It was grueling, hard work, and enlightening. I can see how it has saved so many marriages, overcoming horrible situations including depression, death of a child, addiction, restraining orders, separation, infidelity of both spouses.

I felt SO tired afterwards, both mentally and physically. My emotions were on a rollercoaster from deeply examining the feelings why I love her and why I want to build a new MR to feelings of wanting this all to be over and move forward with the D and my life to everything in between.

W participated and answered the questions honestly and genuinely. The program states that the weekend is not the time to bring up the past. Unfortunately she did at one point and was still not honest about the OM. I didn’t press her on it, just listened and accepted that she is still WW.

The program entry guidelines are that all third party relationships be terminated before starting. On Sunday morning, she confirmed that she is still in contact with OM3 and does not plan to end contact. She stated she hasn’t been with him in a month but talks and/or texts with him daily. She said she understood the entry guideline, but chose not to adhere. Apparently, the feelings for OM3 and the “in love” A fog are too strong. It’s clear he is more important to her than me, our MR, and our family right now.

By Saturday night she was done and burned out. W is spiritual, but not a Christian. Although, the primary focus of Retrouvaille is saving MR relationships, there are sprinkled references to God. Unfortunately, a bit too much for my W’s liking and she shut down. She wanted to leave. I made a few gentle comments to see if she would reconsider. She was certain and I was not going to hold her there against her will. We departed at lunch on Sunday.

W was in deep brought on the drive back with many long and loud inhales and exhales. She asked if I thought she had unrealistic expectations and I replied she needs to decide what’s most important to her in life. She does not want to attend the post sessions, but offered to continue dialoguing a few times a week as a substitute for the six weekly 4 hour follow-up sessions every Sunday through the program.

She wrote “I’m sorry”, she wrote “I love you”, she warmed during the weekend. She wrote that she feels guilty for destroying what we had. She forgave me for all of her past complaints. She wrote she doesn’t know if she can forgive herself and that she has a poor self image. She wrote that she sees how hard I’ve tried and how much I’ve changed. Yet, attraction has not returned. We agreed almost all our major areas of conflict have been resolved, but she doesn’t feel attracted. She still doesn’t get that love is a decision and attraction can be rebuilt if you commit to that choice. She wrote she can’t see a future together right now. On Saturday evening there was a question on how we currently feel, she wrote “Cautiously Curious.” Yes, sounds highly non-committal, but more positive than when we started the weekend. Maybe this was the small achievement and baby step that I can take away from Retrouvaille.

So, she won’t break contact with OM, but wants to dialogue with me. At one point W said that she’s on the fence and several times during the weekend she felt like coming back and other times like ending it. W said she can’t come back and leave again, she can’t do that to the kids. She wants more time to figure things out and said she hasn’t felt like we were separated and she was completely off on her own. She wants to “feel separated.” She knows I feel I’m her plan B. W said she would D her if she was me.

This is so confusing, she wants to feel separated but is wants to continue dialoguing. She asked that I help her work on her self image. The thoughts and feelings swing by the minute. At this time, I plan to work with her on the dialoguing and see where it leads.

There is a ton more and I’ll try to post in a longer update once I’m able to process everything.

In closing, I HIGHLY recommend Retrouvaille for couples where BOTH partners want to work on the MR. It works, I have no doubt about it.