Is he just changing outward behaviors, or has he changed the fundamental thoughts, beliefs and attitudes that drive those behaviors?
I have spent a long time reflecting on this.
Day to day, I am seeing lots of changes with my H and though I'd still consider it to be early days, he has been more or less consistent with those changes. He is not perfect and I am not waiting for perfection. But the behaviours I absolutely cannot accept any longer have stopped. The man is allowed to be irritable or to have different opinions from me now and again - and we seem to deal with that (in the context of friendly co-parenting) well enough.
I guess I will just have to trust there's been an inward change, or decide I don't trust the inward change, and that is on me. There is no looking into anyone's soul.
I can also see he is in a similar position - seeing that I am much more emotionally and practically self sufficient (which was a change that was needed) and much more confident in setting boundaries with the kids (and him!). He will never know for sure if these are just outward changes or actual inward ones.
He mentioned how well things were going and said he had a fear of being 'sucked back' to how things used to be. I validated. I told him I felt like that too - that the way things were now was much better - we even laugh and have a bit of warmth and affection creeping back in, in a natural way - but I think in some ways we're both holding each other at arm's length a little, afraid to address the real problems in case we get back into that horrible place we were in last year and for the first half of this year.
I do feel ready to take a tiny step forward with him, but I am not sure how to do that. I am not sure I want to go with him to see his IC. That should be for him. But I am also afraid of pulling back the curtain and addressing the hard stuff in case it wipes out this fragile gentleness and goodwill we have managed to find for each other again.
We walk together alone once a week - just for an hour or so. It gives us time to catch up on the kids without them actually being there - which was needed - but recently the conversations have turned more towards ourselves - his work, my work, his friendships and my friendships - without us actually discussing our relationship. I don't feel afraid of him during these conversations but I am afraid of taking it into more difficult territory.
