Finding the Balance then Tipping the Scale (3)

[Adam04]

update:

Want to start by saying W and I have been co-existing well. Sharing responsibilities with the kids and having our alone time. Couple weeks ago she took me to a Texans game and it was fun.

Our anniversary is coming up and we will be out of town that weekend for her friends wedding. We plan to spend 2 nights just us at a resort. I'm thinking at this rate flowers and a gift wouldn't be bad because she believes and has said we are back together and I should move in.

We also have dates set up for just us in the future. She's got an out of town business trip with her boss who is also female for a couple days and we talked about what would be comfortable. She plans to facetime, send pictures of them and keep me in the loop. When she comes back it'll be on a Thursday and we plan to spend Friday just us.

We also have a trip planned with some very close friends to a local vineyard and we are all excited.

This doesn't mean everything is peachy and that we don't have disagreements. We both know we still have communication issues. And I still need to work on myself. My outlook isn't affected for the most part whether we make it or not, its not what used to be suffocating and to the point my head wanted to explode. I somewhat feel safe I still have the apartment so I am hesitant to make the next move. When she has mentioned R talk, I say I am patiently waiting and wanting to take things slowly.

The last argument we had (which was a couple days ago) was concerning her boss, who is also going through a divorce. Her boss just broke up with her boyfriend while she is still married. The boss's husband was the WAS and was caught cheating so the boss figured she'd date. My wife showed me the text of the guy breaking up with her via text. Told her the boss needs counseling and my W agreed. That woman is moving on to the next guy way too fast. My wife says her counseling is helping her sort her feelings out and feel a lot better. So my W sends her boss a text saying she is there for her with anything she needs and if she needs a girls night out to cry she would be there. She then asks me if this was alright. In the moment I said supporting her is fine but I don't feel 100% okay with you spending the night. This is where she got defensive and didn't know where I was coming from.

So after some reflecting and we both had a text exchange I said that I didn't have a problem with her supporting her boss or being there for a friend in need even if it was overnight, but I have a preference of wanting my wife home safe so I don't have to worry because just a couple days ago she was stuck in bad weather with two of her sisters. We had terrible rain here displacing a lot of people. I apologized and we seem to be picking right back up she saying words of affection. However, during this exchange she questioned how much time we had been spending together and I said it was because I thought we were fixing our relationship that I thought she may have needed to see I was around more opposed to before and she said she didn't have a problem with me being out and she sort of missed that. I'm definitely not overlooking this for many reasons. I do not want to come off as needy and too attached. I do take this as her being honest with me with us needing healthy space for ourselves. We've been communicating well for the last month and I think she was shocked to hear me say I had a problem with her being supportive of another woman in a dire time of need. I didn't mean for my being honest with my feelings to come across as something else like I didn't trust her or I actually had a problem with her being supportive so I caught myself and corrected that and its up to her to believe if I was sincere or not.

We even gained weight together over the summer and we are both now splitting meals and doubling down on working out. We were working out but this is like going to a restaurant for breakfast eating an 1100 calorie omelet, hashbrowns, with two mixed drinks for the day time and then drinking mixed drinks throughout the weekends and eating good at nights, steaks, wine, and all kinds of carbs. it was like 20 pounds of bad eating and drinking which we have cut back on lately.

So where does this put me? I agree that she and I need to spend time together yet as individuals doing our own thing. Do I think she has some hidden agenda? No. But I will not be blind to anything going on. I've not been posting here but I've been reading. And I don't plan to stop DB. I have been spending weekends with my kids taking them out. I also spend time alone, just to do it. Away from the wife and kids. Sometimes to clear my mind and to meditate.

When it comes to my relationship I have a whole list of things I try to be mindful of. Validate, show signs of appreciation and not just of her as my wife or mother but as an individual. Her mother lives with us and my wife screams bloody murder sometimes because she says they are so much alike but she cant stand some of the things her mother does. I use this to validate. I can understand why you would feel that way when she does x y z. Or that must be rough to deal with when she does that, I bet she makes you mad. Want me to beat her up for you? JK!
Then my W sometimes gives in especially when my mother in law hoards stuff or brings stuff over from where she was living. I tell my W things like I see what you did the other night and I'm glad you let your mom bring such and such over without saying anything. I tell her I'm sure your mom appreciates it and is thankful as well, even if she may not say anything. My W would say something like hearing thanks is the last thing I will ever get from my mom. Then I say your mom cooks for us a lot, and cooking for the family could be her way of saying thank you. I tell her I get it that sometimes hearing thank you would be nice.

My older son is taking French horn lessons and my second son is wanting to play a musical instrument too. He has a girl cousin who is also wanting to play violin. W and I agreed to take both of them at the same time to get lessons on a Saturday together at one of the shops around here. We both love the new area. Lots to do. My sister in law is busy with the newborn so she cant commit to taking her older daughter for music lessons so we offered. I actually was the one to tell my wife I would be okay to do that for her and she was happy about that. We are going to give it another week or two to see if the kids are still enthused about taking the lessons. My older one loves his private lessons and likes his band class and school all together.

Past weekend I took my older one out to a local comic book shop for his first time around here at the new place. It was more geared for adults with old b rated horror movies and Japanese manga toys and darker comics. Son picked out punisher as his first comic to get here and the guy gave it to him for free and he was thrilled. Then of course the younger one hears and was like dad so can we go to the comic book store too or what. I gave him a choice Chucky Cheese or comics and he naturally went with Chucky E Cheese. He was really good at a hopping/jumping game and we won a lot of tickets last night.

My older one loved our drive together as father son and we had a lot of time to talk about his school, him liking girls, his book he likes to read. W told me she got an email from his school that its an adult book with adult content like kissing. We spent almost 3 hours driving looking at all the neon signs in the big city looking for places to try out. He talked a lot, being comfortable in the passenger seat. I showed him 2 and 10 on the steering wheel. Told him how my step dad taught me how to drive, which was reckless back in the day. My son wants to learn so I am going to teach him somewhere in the open one of these upcoming weekends.

Both of my kids have been practicing baseball from the last time I got their baseball tee and some rubber practice balls. These kids seem to have a natural affinity to some of these sports. My younger one always impresses me, he is pretty good at picking up on the sports he plays like basketball. Him being ambidextrous still with dribbling two balls simultaneously up and down the sidewalk is pretty amazing at his age. He can still draw and write with both hands and his artwork is getting more detailed. The only thing is he does still like to copy. He needs inspiration so I draw a lot of things and he is able to copy my drawings pretty well. The older one he's on his pc games.

I don't know the future with my Wife. I mean, I don't feel like she's hit rock bottom but she has been willing to give this another shot. With that whole thing about my feelings and being honest, I wasn't sure if I was also being somewhat controlling in saying I didn't like it if my W was spending the night somewhere else. If my friend was in need and I was able to support them I would hope my W would be understanding and whatever issues we had could wait. So I believe I was at fault for not understanding and has since apologized for it.

I don't consider myself piecing or starting to recon yet. My wife is showing signs and doing things like willing to be transparent and communicate but there are still those moments of flare ups I think where she doesn't understand how I am feeling or the magnitude of it all.

Okay for the awkward part regarding intimacy. We're still at it pretty consistently I think enough for both of us throughout the week and my focus is on her and making sure she gets pleased. If we're having sex at least 4 times out of the week I'd initiate 3 and her 1. I've communicated I'd like to see more of her initiating or that I like it when she does this or that and it makes her feel sexy and naughty. She has started to initiate more. And when we kiss it could be anything from brushing of the lips and light touching to full on darting tongues and being rough.

I know my situation didn't follow the typical hitting rock bottom and now we are on the road to success path. I am working with that I got and trying to keep working at this with DB principles in mind.

for now my wife seems to have given me another chance and we are trying. We both seem willing. Do I believe she is 100% all in, no... because she will react to how I act and if I'm the one making it hard, she will naturally want out. So I still have to be aware of areas I can continuously improve on and make my 180s stick. Detachment and GAL doesn't stop. I'm aware that even if I do everything perfectly, she can change her mind tomorrow. I don't want to wallow or have self pity. Its funny my W has communicated several things she notices that has bothered her. Some I validate and others I go that must suck and she'd ask if it bothers me and I go nope.

Mind you, we are Asian (I'm mixed) and we have eaten at this Vietnamese restaurant today. Usually many of the Vietnamese patrons use toothpicks which they have at the counter just like they do at many other restaurants. Wife one time commented she didn't like when her mother gets the toothpicks from the front and picks her teeth in the restaurant. She says its gross. She used to not have any issues with this for many years until some recent enlightenment of I know nothing about... and back when I was growing up before meeting Asian people, I had the same thoughts like she does now. I thought it was gross to burp, slurp, smack, or pick your nose or teeth in public. Then when I moved and was around other Asians I was made aware of their culture. Guess in embracing it, I accepted it and took it as normal. It was a long time to change my viewpoint and sometimes it does still bother me but not to any great extent. Okay, so after lunch my mother in law grabs two toothpicks, one for her and she hands me one. My wife shoots me the side stare and as my mother in law alrdy has the toothpick in her mouth, I tell her thank you and do the same. I cant recall if I looked at my wife for her disproval or kept it moving. Probably kept it moving.

its time for me to get my car washed. had it for a few months without a wash and need to get some of the empty bottles thrown out and the car vacuumed before my older one goes to his Sunday school. BTW, we put both boys into their bible school to learn stuff for their first communion. Hope I said that right.

If anything sounds out of the normal and I need to pay special attention to, please let me know. Whether its her or me or both. Retrouvaille is still in the works btw. I am trying to make it less about my needs and just being detached for now. I saw when I was being honest about my feelings that she wasn't ready for that. There can be a better place to communicate and I am okay with not making it all about me. I still need to work on those urges or times when I can tell this woman how I feel. IC will be in my future for that to sort out my feelings.

In my head I will always have this idea she needs to hit rock bottom before we recon and I don't see her doing that so I don't feel like we will ever recon but it hasn't stopped me from living and enjoying life. With food and wine, it was a little too much enjoying. Its like going through the motion of a slow turn in what could be a turning point in the relationship.