Gerda Rises Up to Go On

[DnJ]

Good Morning Gerda

OwnIt is so very correct - there is a place beyond the pain. The feelings of torment, loss of control, divorce, pain - they do not last.

She may very well also be correct, and her company’s policy, about not rehiring a person who has left or quit. I’m not sure about one strike and you’re out fits this exactly, but it is sure worth thinking about.

job’s advice is spot on as well. This is all about H, not you.

H is having inappropriate conversations with D10. As much as she is looking for validation from her Daddy, he is looking for validation from her. And he will gain inside knowledge from her, so be wary of what you share with daughter and son.

A very hard thing I had to learn, and was so freeing and helpful. The OP is someone of significance in our spouse’s life. That other person will (probably) becomes a person of significance in our children’s lives - possible, depending on what goes down.

Spouse and child - it is their relationship. Our job is not to maintain it. Our job is to not destroy it.

My XW and OM are still together coming up on two years. The kids visit her, and OM now. At first they hated him. Now they can cook breakfast for him. Forgiveness, not condoning. You can only control you, and hate is a terrible burden to carry around. Teach and show your kids well.

Yes, you are exactly right. That's it exactly. I don't want to walk anymore through this sort of daylight. I don't want to hope anymore and yet I can't give that up either. I am not losing my faith in God but what I thought it meant to follow God feels like it is killing me. Your total lack of any connection at all, I know it is devastating, but that is what I long for. To almost never have to see or know. To not bear witness to this anymore. It is so filthy to me, I feel like someone is holding my face in a pile of sh$t, like a mean dog owner does to a dog to train him.

Gerda, please read this carefully. I am proud of you.

Pushing back denial is painful. Opening up to what is actually going on is so hurtful. Questions are normal and necessary. This shows a great inner strength, especially admitting it. And by the way, when you find your way through this, not much is ever going to cause fear again. Just a little pep talk from the other side.

Hope lives in our belief in possibilities. I would not want to see you give that up. Hope looks towards a better future - and there are many that are possible. Focus on you and all the hopeful outcomes of your life, not H’s life. Your life.

Likewise for the light we walk in. As that light spreads into all the dark corners and recesses all manner of buried and forgotten pains and demons scurry about looking for a place to hide and fester again. That is all this is. Do not stop shining your light, give them no place to hide.

What is the course? I can't even remember. All I have in front of me is endless horrible divorce proceedings, the depositions, the screaming and fighting no matter how silent I am or reading my book or looking up at lettering above the judge's head, "IN GOD WE TRUST."

The course. Focus on you and the kids.

What does Gerda need and want? And do not include H in any answers. I know how hard that is - letting go. Trust this. You have those answers inside yourself, and you are starting to discover them. (((Gerda)))

What is accurate? I can't remember. Can you do the thinking for me? I mean, can you spell it out for me in the post? It's like this past week I forgot how to read what is happening. I need something to follow, my mind is in a free fall and I can't figure out what the sword or the shield would be for me now, in my specific circumstance. Can you teach this kid to ride the bicycle again?

Can I do the thinking for you?

Gerda, my shield is polished bright, and my sword is sharp. I walk a razors edge between encouraging and controlling, inspiring and rescuing, and sometimes I fail and step over that line. Remember you have the final say in what you do.

Accurate is like I just stated above. The truest, openest, most vulnerable version of reality. In accuracy - I am a fixer. I would love to rescue you. Instead I encourage and inspire (I hope ).

So be accurate in thought and heart. First thought - this will rationalize what is going on. Then heart - after a good rational grip on things one’s emotions do not run away on them and can be accurately viewed.

Intellectual car stuff is first. All the court screaming, anger, motions, and so on. See it, without emotion, for what it is. (By the way the following answers are only for you, no need to post them)

Who is proposing what? Who is pushing for what? Are there things you are pushing for? What are they? Are your emotions getting in the way? If so, in the way of what? How are S and D doing? Am I getting the bills paid? Is there food on the table? Am I really focusing on me? What am I really focusing on?

Ok, that’s enough examples.

Now, emotional car. How do you feel? Be vulnerable and true in your assessment. Acknowledge it. Accept it. Are you proud of it? Does it fill you with warmth, love, light, hope, joy, and such? Why and why not? Strengthen what is working and change what is not.

Focus on you and craft your reality. Sword and shield. You will fall off the bike more than you want too. Get back on, find you balance, and keep pedalling.

But you are not right here beside me. The physicality of my loneliness is precisely what is eroding my hope. There is a fog everywhere, in my head and even all around me, things literally piling up in my house because I can't muster the energy to attack that either. I feel like my loneliness is clawing at my heart, trying to rip its way out. This love I have been carrying for so long, with nowhere to give it.

I understand.

I also have piles of stuff all over my house. Piles of things from two years ago I need to go through. There are piano awards to hang on the walls, last year’s graduation pictures to print out and frame, piles of old homework and mementoes to store away, seldom used rooms in complete disarray, and such. The accumulations of a life on pause. Trust, it’s ok, and it will get better.

I have started, but it’s a lot of stuff.

Accuracy:

The physical loneliness. Have you even been with someone and still felt alone?

Loneliness is an emotion, triggered by the physical absence of a person, of a temptation. Looking at this accurately can provide ways of accepting and overcoming the emotional suffering it inflicts. I find you to be a very good person. I imagine you would be great company - even for yourself.

The erosion of hope is an illusion. It is the probabilities that are changing. We tend to tie hope to probability, instead of possibility. Hope’s strength lay in possible; expectation’s strength, and lack of, lay in probable. For example, my perceived probability of XW awakening is diminishing. Everyday it gets lower and lower - if and when I think about it. However, the possibility of her awakening still exists, just as much as before. Therefore hope still exists, just as before.

Now, the big stuff. I am not like before. I have changed. Let go, dropped fear, forgave, and so on. Strengthened my beliefs, stand tall and proud, and face this in full light. I still hope XW awakens - for her. She and I have no relationship. Whatever the future might hold, we, her and I, have to craft something new. Even it were to be friends. It is very humbling to see where our control stops, and where the wisdom of respect and forgiveness really matters.

The probability of a reconciliation is not zero, it’s very low, but not nil. That being said, my life, both day to day, and big picture, is not planned, designed, or lived by any possibilities or probabilities of her awakening or reconciling. Stand for you - is such an accurate position to live from.

Find the light and push back the fog that clouds your mind. You facing a divorce and many unknown outcomes and fears. I know and remember the crazy realities of my life at that time.

Breathe, focus on what is truly important - You and the kids.

Keep the business part of this as business. Uncouple and detach the emotional part with accuracy and rational thoughts. Decide on your headings, those grand lofty goals you would like to achieve, and walk towards them. Believe in, and follow the beacons in your life.

I am proud of you.

DnJ