Gerda Rises Up to Go On

[Gerda]

Prepare yourself for a dark reply. I am really really sad tonight, so I apologize in advance.

Whether he will ever emerge is beyond anyone’s knowledge, and left to the unknown future.

It is becoming more real, not less.

Perhaps it is not that you are waiting to wake up from this horrible reality, it is you are trying to go back to sleep.

Yes, you are exactly right. That's it exactly. I don't want to walk anymore through this sort of daylight. I don't want to hope anymore and yet I can't give that up either. I am not losing my faith in God but what I thought it meant to follow God feels like it is killing me. Your total lack of any connection at all, I know it is devastating, but that is what I long for. To almost never have to see or know. To not bear witness to this anymore. It is so filthy to me, I feel like someone is holding my face in a pile of sh$t, like a mean dog owner does to a dog to train him.

Don’t worry, things will merge and clarity will come. Stay the course.

What is the course? I can't even remember. All I have in front of me is endless horrible divorce proceedings, the depositions, the screaming and fighting no matter how silent I am or reading my book or looking up at lettering above the judge's head, "IN GOD WE TRUST."

Be accurate. Use your mental assertiveness, the sword and shield.

What is accurate? I can't remember. Can you do the thinking for me? I mean, can you spell it out for me in the post? It's like this past week I forgot how to read what is happening. I need something to follow, my mind is in a free fall and I can't figure out what the sword or the shield would be for me now, in my specific circumstance. Can you teach this kid to ride the bicycle again?

I’m right here beside you.

But you are not right here beside me. The physicality of my loneliness is precisely what is eroding my hope. There is a fog everywhere, in my head and even all around me, things literally piling up in my house because I can't muster the energy to attack that either. I feel like my loneliness is clawing at my heart, trying to rip its way out. This love I have been carrying for so long, with nowhere to give it.