Sorry about the tough day. You held your tongue very well when speaking about OW.
I hope you can believe me. Please do not feel judged or prosecuted. People here give advice and suggestions with the intent to help and illuminate, not to belittle. (((Gerda)))
I do understand when you speak of how it is like living two lives. It feels so unreal or maybe surreal is more apt.
For what it is worth my dear friend, you are making progress - no matter how much it doesn’t seem like it to you. I see the movement. As I said, I hope you can believe me. It’s up to you if you will.
The double life does eventual become one, becomes real - all of it.
There is much denial, the inability to believe, in all of this. Things just don’t feel right. Much like letting go of fear, one needs to rationalize things. To see things without the emotional attachment. If you recall, I found being accurate in thought and heart helped me walk along the path. Allowed me to rationalize things.
In my opinion, you are much further along than you think (or feel or believe whichever case you’d like to consider). You are more and more accepting your situation, the horrible reality you spoke of. And accepting that STBXH is not the man you knew, and that H might still be trapped somewhere deep inside. Whether he will ever emerge is beyond anyone’s knowledge, and left to the unknown future.
It is becoming more real, not less.
Perhaps it is not that you are waiting to wake up from this horrible reality, it is you are trying to go back to sleep.
Don’t worry, things will merge and clarity will come. Stay the course.
Be accurate. Use your mental assertiveness, the sword and shield.
I’m right here beside you.
(((Gerda)))
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
