Gerda Rises Up to Go On

[Gerda]

Today something awful happened.

In the morning H came to pick up D10, and D10 had asked me yesterday if I could be "friendly with Papa" again, as I was before. I told her I was sorry I hadn't been able to do that, that it was hard because of the way he was in court but I would try. So I was outside when he came, about to walk the dog. The dog was limping and H noticed this, after never noticing the dog at all these past years. He checked his paw and pet him, etc., and the dog was going crazy licking him and whining. D10 and I were looking at each other, and I knew we were both thinking, Wow, maybe H is still in there.

When she came back in the afternoon, she told me that Papa brought his friend, but don't worry, she is really nice, she is so nice, she is actually exactly like you, she is the kind person you would like, not like (the godfather who paid for his lawyer and who is weirdly often there when she sees H. I have told her is not a real friend to our family without saying why). I knew immediately who it was, but I said, "Oh what is her name," and it was the name of the OW from going on years now, the one he called, "My secret other wife," but I had thought it ended a while ago, I think it had but I guess he started it again. I don't know what I did with my face then, D10 was saying, "What's wrong?" And I finally mustered some response that nothing is wrong and ran out of the house for a little while. When I came back, I decided to make sure it was her, so I asked if she has kids. (I know that the OW had two young kids and H was always talking about how she was a "real Catholic since birth" as opposed to me, and how they were so moral and god fearing that they weren't sleeping together and that she wouldn't leave her husband because of her faith. ) D10 said happily, yes, said their ages. I asked if she was married and D10 said, "Well, that's the thing. Papa said she is married but she probably won't be very soon. So that's the one way she isn't like you." I said, "No, D, she is not like me. Not at all." She asked how I knew and I said, "I know who she is. She is not nice. She is a lot like (godfather from above)." I had so much trouble controlling myself, so don't judge me for saying that much. What I wanted to say was a million times worse, so that was pretty good in comparison.

And then I dropped her at a playdate and spiraled for three hours.

Also realized this might be why he is so violently set on getting me to sell the house quickly. He did the same thing a few years ago when I first found out about her, said he was taking his half of the house so he could marry her. I remember saying, "So you are going to break up two families and start a new one and you think all the kids are going just adjust to that?" And he said, "Yes, if you don't poison them against her." Now it's many years later, I am not even sure how many, and it's like he is replaying his first replay.

And here I am, looking for some hugs from my friends here. I imagine you must think it's insane that I am in year six and still so hurt by these things but as I said above, I still don't believe this is real. I still can't adjust my heart or my mind. It's like I have two lives, and sometimes I have to re-enter this horrible reality and I just look around wondering how I got here and not believing it, waiting to wake up.