Persistent Endurance (Part 6)

[neffer]

No expectations.

Hope

DB

Good luck C!

[AnotherStander]

Curtis, good luck, keep an open mind and no expectations and everything should go smoothly!

I hear you loud and clear. I needed the calibration. You nailed it on my hope if we were to complete the program. The 80% success rate is for couples that BOTH want to do the work. I am at an extreme handicap, a 1% long shot.

Yes 1% is probably right. RIGHT NOW. I am not trying to steal your hope away, just give you more realistic expectations of your timeline. The chances of recon right now are very, very poor. But as time goes on and you detach and she explores herself then the chances keep getting better. I just didn't want to see you pin your hopes on this or anything else too soon because that leads to disappointment, and disappointment can be so devastating for a LBS. So keep your eyes on the horizon, that's where your hope is. For now just do your thing.

Things feel awfully surreal with WW this week. Very little interaction and communication. On Monday she texted asking about the plan for my mom watching the kids while we go to RetroV. She said this was getting super inconvenient as we are going to miss D5’s soccer game on Friday, S8’s fall baseball opening day on Saturday, and she’s not able to attend a software training seminar for work that she planned before I brought up attending the weekend. I validated in response and she replied that she is not looking forward to this at all with a frown emoji. I asked if it was because she didn’t know what to expect and she replied I don’t know.

All very solid signs that she is still firmly in the WAS camp. She's just not ready to recommit. It's unfortunate but not surprising. In my case it was my XW that requested to go, but she was likewise not committed to it or working on the M.

I have been getting a little different vibe from her lately sort of like she doesn’t mind being around me. Imagine that, feeling like your W isn’t repulsed being around her H.

That's pretty typical, they all run hot and cold. That's why we call it the roller coaster! Don't get excited when she's at the top and don't get depressed when she's at the bottom. You stay to the side on firm ground while she rides up and down.

Let us know how it went when you get a chance!

[curtis7]

I appreciate the words of encouragement. I have hope, but not expecting a drastic turnaround. Hoping this will be a catalyst for W looking back in my direction and just maybe becoming curious. If not, life goes on, and I’ll keep DBing.

At a minimum, I should gain some insight on her feelings which she’s closed off and I’ve been out of touch with for so long. She may feel more comfortable once we both learn how to communicate effectively over the weekend.

I think it is a small victory in her merely attending, I can feel a sense of achievement in that feat. I hope she brings a cooperative spirit.

I wish everyone a happy weekend! Mine will be hard work, but I wouldn’t trade this opportunity. Leaving no stone unturned. Focusing on what I can do. Showing her AMOAFWL.

[Tryhard]

You can do this , strength brother, whatever the outcome. Be a man , dig deep , be a man of few , but succinct words . Remember, you can validate when it’s your turn , do not be weak , you can do it

[Tryhard]

Ps , I , love , COMMAS !!

[ovrrnbw]

Good luck C

[DS9]

All the best Curtis. You can do this mate!

[curtis7]

Retrouvaille...wow! What an experience. That was the most emotionally charged event I’ve ever been a part of. It was grueling, hard work, and enlightening. I can see how it has saved so many marriages, overcoming horrible situations including depression, death of a child, addiction, restraining orders, separation, infidelity of both spouses.

I felt SO tired afterwards, both mentally and physically. My emotions were on a rollercoaster from deeply examining the feelings why I love her and why I want to build a new MR to feelings of wanting this all to be over and move forward with the D and my life to everything in between.

W participated and answered the questions honestly and genuinely. The program states that the weekend is not the time to bring up the past. Unfortunately she did at one point and was still not honest about the OM. I didn’t press her on it, just listened and accepted that she is still WW.

The program entry guidelines are that all third party relationships be terminated before starting. On Sunday morning, she confirmed that she is still in contact with OM3 and does not plan to end contact. She stated she hasn’t been with him in a month but talks and/or texts with him daily. She said she understood the entry guideline, but chose not to adhere. Apparently, the feelings for OM3 and the “in love” A fog are too strong. It’s clear he is more important to her than me, our MR, and our family right now.

By Saturday night she was done and burned out. W is spiritual, but not a Christian. Although, the primary focus of Retrouvaille is saving MR relationships, there are sprinkled references to God. Unfortunately, a bit too much for my W’s liking and she shut down. She wanted to leave. I made a few gentle comments to see if she would reconsider. She was certain and I was not going to hold her there against her will. We departed at lunch on Sunday.

W was in deep brought on the drive back with many long and loud inhales and exhales. She asked if I thought she had unrealistic expectations and I replied she needs to decide what’s most important to her in life. She does not want to attend the post sessions, but offered to continue dialoguing a few times a week as a substitute for the six weekly 4 hour follow-up sessions every Sunday through the program.

She wrote “I’m sorry”, she wrote “I love you”, she warmed during the weekend. She wrote that she feels guilty for destroying what we had. She forgave me for all of her past complaints. She wrote she doesn’t know if she can forgive herself and that she has a poor self image. She wrote that she sees how hard I’ve tried and how much I’ve changed. Yet, attraction has not returned. We agreed almost all our major areas of conflict have been resolved, but she doesn’t feel attracted. She still doesn’t get that love is a decision and attraction can be rebuilt if you commit to that choice. She wrote she can’t see a future together right now. On Saturday evening there was a question on how we currently feel, she wrote “Cautiously Curious.” Yes, sounds highly non-committal, but more positive than when we started the weekend. Maybe this was the small achievement and baby step that I can take away from Retrouvaille.

So, she won’t break contact with OM, but wants to dialogue with me. At one point W said that she’s on the fence and several times during the weekend she felt like coming back and other times like ending it. W said she can’t come back and leave again, she can’t do that to the kids. She wants more time to figure things out and said she hasn’t felt like we were separated and she was completely off on her own. She wants to “feel separated.” She knows I feel I’m her plan B. W said she would D her if she was me.

This is so confusing, she wants to feel separated but is wants to continue dialoguing. She asked that I help her work on her self image. The thoughts and feelings swing by the minute. At this time, I plan to work with her on the dialoguing and see where it leads.

There is a ton more and I’ll try to post in a longer update once I’m able to process everything.

In closing, I HIGHLY recommend Retrouvaille for couples where BOTH partners want to work on the MR. It works, I have no doubt about it.

[LH19]

C,

I'm sorry Retrouvaille didn't work out but you knew it was a long shot as best so I'm guessing you weren't to surprised.

I am going tho keep this brief and give you to pieces of advice:

1. Don't dialogue with her while she is still talking to OM. That is your boundary. As far as helping her with her self image, you didn't break her and you can't fix her. Leave her to work on herself.

2. Give her the separation she is requesting. That means live like you are divorced. She takes and houses the horse, you discuss nothing but the children and you move on with your life. The only thing that will turn this around long term is time and space.

Don't listen to any of her words because it's all WW bs. Look only at her actions. Her continuing contact with OM is an action. Her continuing to life on her own action. You will not build attraction until she respects you and no woman will respect a man who is willing to share her with another man.

[joejoe1]

Curt,

We have given you so much advice and you have chose to go against that advice in every single situation. Advice is an option you can choose to take it or leave it. But every time I read a post from you, it reaks of you kicking hope down the road to try to get your WW back, (she don't won't to come back at the moment). Allow her to be free of you trying to fix things.

You have all the ability to take your respect back. You knew your WW was still talking to OM3, you knew she was in contact with OM and still decided to go to an event the we explicitly told you it was for two people willing to work on the M. AS and I told you it would overwhelm your WW if you brought her there, and she got overwhelmed. That whole weekend made you look desperate and weak.

Now she wants to continue dialog (What does that even means). She wants to talk to you about her feelings, while on the end continue to make OM3 her #1 priority, while throwing you crumbs. Come on man!!!! Wake up!! Please!!! Have some dignity and self respect for yourself. Why would you even want that? Dialog, what are you and her going to dialog (talk about)?

Get out of her way, and move forward with you life. Everything you have done and I mean everything has been about you trying to control your WW and ya'll situation. I told you that months ago, that you need to stop trying control your situation and your WW with these obvious (trying to fix things) tactics.

You have lost control of this situation. I'm pretty sure one of your WW complaints have been about your controlling ways, and they are continuing, you done nothing to correct it.

Your WW has told she feels more for OM and wants space and time from you to feel what it's like to be separated. It's obvious she don't want to hurt you at the same time keep you as a plan B by leaving those tiny bread crumbs and you eat them right up.

I don't know what else or advice to give you. It's so frustrating reading your post. I don't get frustrated easily. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

I hope I read a post from you one day soon, where you took some advice from this forum.