Almost told her I wanted a to separate this morning. It was weird. The urge just overcame me. Actually the urge was to say "I want a divorce", but then I softened it down to "I think we should separate". I was able to avoid actually saying but it was close.
Glad you held back from saying it. You've probably seen me tell others this before, but if you said that to yourself today then that could be nothing more than fleeting feelings. But if you say it to yourself every day for a month or two or three, well then there is more to it. So give yourself time and see how you feel.
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I am just tired. After nearly 2 years of always being on, always catching my reactions and emotions, and tempering them, I think I am just ready to be free of the bondage. I also think that there is a part hoos and I discussed. If she was who she is now when we got married, I probably would not have married her. And so there is a big part of me that is sitting here thinking "I deserve more. I deserve better. I deserve to not have to settle for less than I would demand of a potential spouse."
Definitely can see why you would feel that way. A lot has changed since then, she's not the same person and you probably aren't either. At some point you have to ask yourself if THIS person is really who you want to be with. I think some people choose to stay together simply because of the shared history, and more power to them. I don't think that would work for me though, I need to be with someone that constantly stimulates me (and I her as well).
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I am never going to be able to make her happy. Whether I am a jerk like I was for 90% of our first 18 years. Whether I am "amazing" the way I have been for almost the last two years. I just don't think she is going to be happy with me. Maybe she will never be happy with anyone. But no matter what I try I can't make her happy.
I can't remember if you read the Happiness Trap early on, but if not then you might want to pick it up. You're right in that you can't make her happy, only SHE can do that. And only YOU can make yourself happy. I think our society makes us believe we have to chase happiness, like it's something that's out there that we need to find and buy and hold onto. Or that we need to take from someone else, steal and hide and covet. But it's more of a state of mind, we can choose to be happy despite whatever is going on all around us. The story of Corrie ten Boom in the concentration camp during WWII is just astonishing, this woman lived in the most horrific conditions imaginable and brought love, joy and hope to everyone around her. She was HAPPY. How is it possible in those circumstances? Seems impossible to most. I would venture to say she was happier than any millionaire around today. No husband, no kids, sister died in the same concentration camp, no belongings, no hope, no future, a prisoner despite having committed no crime. If she can be happy under those circumstances then there is hope for anyone.
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Maybe one day I will snap out of it. Maybe it is because the bump in the road is still so fresh. Maybe I am caught in this cycle of working so hard on me for 10-12 months, that I go through a few weeks where I question everything. IDK.
Maybe so. That's why you need to give yourself time! Maybe try to get out and GAL some more and recenter yourself. And whether people here are disappointed or not I think it's great that you share your experience whether positive or negative. It's a good learning opportunity for us all.
