#16 - Recovering from speed bump, piecing and Ring

[SteveLW]

Almost told her I wanted a to separate this morning. It was weird. The urge just overcame me. Actually the urge was to say "I want a divorce", but then I softened it down to "I think we should separate". I was able to avoid actually saying but it was close.

I drove to work and I started to to break down the emotions. I think it is mostly what I said in one of my more recent posts. I am just tired. After nearly 2 years of always being on, always catching my reactions and emotions, and tempering them, I think I am just ready to be free of the bondage. I also think that there is a part hoos and I discussed. If she was who she is now when we got married, I probably would not have married her. And so there is a big part of me that is sitting here thinking "I deserve more. I deserve better. I deserve to not have to settle for less than I would demand of a potential spouse."

There is one other aspect involved to. I remember years ago a friend of mine married this woman. She was very nice. Very sweet. And she wanted to be with him 24/7. I remember her coming to events where it was just all of us guys, but she wasn't about to not tag along with him. I liked her a lot, so I didn't mind, but looking back 25 years later I can see where it was a red flag. Eventually he grew tired of it, wanted space, and he finally left her. When I asked what happened he said "I realized that I was never going to make her happy." That line captures how I feel. I am never going to be able to make her happy. Whether I am a jerk like I was for 90% of our first 18 years. Whether I am "amazing" the way I have been for almost the last two years. I just don't think she is going to be happy with me. Maybe she will never be happy with anyone. But no matter what I try I can't make her happy. And worse, I shouldn't even be trying because that is on her, not me.

So for now we are in limbo. She doesn't know she is in limbo though. I haven't BD'd her. I am sure this post will disappoint some of you, and for that I am sorry. But these are my honest thoughts and feelings. Maybe one day I will snap out of it. Maybe it is because the bump in the road is still so fresh. Maybe I am caught in this cycle of working so hard on me for 10-12 months, that I go through a few weeks where I question everything. IDK.