Shame and devastation

[Jdevast]

Hi.this is my 1st post so I will try and tell the story of my ditch.and desperately request advice.l have been with my wife for 14years and we have 2 amazing children together.the overview us that I believe we have been in a codependent relationship thus whole time.my wife is a childhood abuse survivor and has a narcissistic mother and a string of abusive relationships and addiction problems.but she is amazingly social.brave and always driving change seeking a love of life but at the same time drawn to saving people.i am just realizing that I have been emotionally dependent my entire life and throughout our relationship.i have had chronic self esteem issues and depression and I gave all responsibility for my happiness and wellbeing to external sources.i was a chronic alcoholic for the 1st 9 years of our relationship until my wife sought help and identified me as an emotional abuser.this was devastating for me to acknowledge but I accept it as true and caused her great suffering and neglect.she demanded I moved out.which I did.finding somewher close by so I could see the kids and vowed to start working on myself.which I did.overtime approx 5 months we became closer and bonded over our realizations and her confrontation with her family.we eventually reconcilled and I was so sure things would never be the same.i now realize that much of the work I did was not for me but driven by my attachment to her and a desire to reconcile.we relocated and over the last two years the same neglect and lack of intimacy has crept back into love her deeply but always put my fears and insecurity ahead of her needs.i became increasingly depressed and withdrawn and she really did try to help but I saw it as her nagging and trying to change and control me.5 weeks ago she declared that she wanted a seperation with a view to a divorce and that she refused to discuss us.

I have lurching through shock,anger,denial while continuing to live apart in the same house.i became increasingly suspicious as this all coincided with her getting fit again.going out with friends 3 or 4 nights a week and starting drink and drugs again.she stated several times that there was no one else but had become very close with 2 younger women in their early thirties both who had at the same time left their partners.2 weeks ago while my wife was away with the kids I became overwhelmed with feelings of no self worth and on the harbour arm had almost a compulsion to end my life.this shocked the he'll out of me and I finally saw the depression and low self esteem.i immediately set to work on taking responsibility for myself, losing the beard.eating and showering daily and buying a bike to exercise with.i chose not to tell my wife but she noticed the changes.we got on well over the last week and even bonded over the seperation plans and telling the kids.we shared a day out on the Sunday a family meal and she toasted the family.even though we were still separating I began to feel hopeful regardless.

Then came Monday.we have a small business together and while working together she was talking about a friend's husbands depression I felt compelled to share with her what had happened.she listened and was very upset but supportive.she went out to see her friend and came back fuming.she declared that I was nothing but an emotional abuser that she didn't believe me and that it was textbook to threaten suicide.she let out every bad thing I had ever said or done and I accepted and validated everyone.i tried in earnest to explain that sharing the incident was not a threat but trying to communicate that it had made me realise how my wellbeing was my responsibility after burdening her for so long.i admit in hindsight I should not have shared it as it was another burden.she has completely closed to me saying that she no longer feels safe around someone so manipulative and demanded I leave the family home.
I was devastated and overcome with shame and I left.i have been staying with friends for a few nights and there have been a few very terse messages from her about how I have left her in such an awkward position.i have replied that I understood fully how she felt and would do anything to help i have continued to validate everything.she has stated today she wants me out of the business and despite then being jobless to arrange somewhere else to live immediately.our original plan was to sell the family home after one last Xmas and split the proceeds to provide 2 smaller homes to co parent the kids.

I am afraid she now intends to stay in the home.while I feel deep deep shame for being so neglectful and never putting her first she seems consumed with hate for me.

I would do anything to make reparations, I truly love her while accepting my love is unhealthy and has been damaging.
Humbly asking for any advice