Wolf... he makes good points and your advice is the essence of what it takes to triumph over depression. Do FIRST, feel SECOND. Too many people want to wait until they feel better to do anything. Depression wants you to do that. The key is to get out there and force yourself to do things and have faith that the positive feelings will come. The second way to tackle it (and you should do both) is to change your mindset and your faulty thinking patterns. Google faulty thinking patterns and see how many apply to you. When you catch yourself thinking that way, look for ways to reframe your thoughts so they are more realistic and hopeful. If you struggle to do this, a good IC can help you with it. The third way is to temporarily go on antidepressants with an anti anxiety component. I know medication is not for everyone and I have always been one of those people but at the height of my sitch, I was desperate so I did it. It helped me quite a bit, IMO. I stayed on them for a few months until I thought I had a handle on things and then weaned myself off.
Some thoughts on being the fifth wheel. Again...it is a mindset. I had some issues with it as well but then when I thought back to my MR, I realized that I had done A LOT without my H for the past five years. He was busy separating himself from me (attending fake medical treatments) so I was alone most of the time. When I did socialize, it was usually without him and I was a fifth wheel most of the time. However, I didn’t feel that way because I was married so the idea of that kept me from seeing myself in that way. It was my mindset not his presence that kept me from feeling that way. When I was feeling my worst, I FORCED myself to do things. I accepted every invitation I got and in doing so, met some new people and also got to know some acquaintances better. I threw a New Year’s party even though it was the LAST thing I wanted to do. I had about 30 people in my house and when the clock struck midnight, had lots of people lined up to give me a hug. I had a good time in spite of myself. Reach out to people Wolf. They will reach back. And you will be surprised how many people in your life are going through tough times in their relationships or who have gone through similar things in the past. You are not alone but you will be if you keep to yourself and avoid people. I am planning a great vacation next year with two couples who will be celebrating their 25th wedding anniversaries. I am hoping my current boyfriend will be coming along but I know that I can’t count on it as we have only been dating for five months and the vacation is a year away. So I am mentally prepared to go on my own and TBH, I will be just as happy either way.
Anyway...hang in there. It will get better with time regardless. I went to my kids open house at their school a few days ago and their dad met us there. A year ago, I remember I was resisting the urge to punch him in the face (I would never do it but man I felt like it) the entire time and couldn’t wait to get out of there. I cried on the way home. This time (even knowing that he has replaced me (he had before he left, he just didn’t tell me) and is planning a wedding next year, something I thought I would NEVER be able to handle), I was completely focused on my kids. It felt slightly awkward but overall it was good. My XH and I were friendly, we shared a couple of laughs, we talked a bit of “business” and signed up for parent/teacher interviews together. We walked back to our cars together, I gave my kids BIG hugs, told them to be good for Daddy and waved at them as they drove away. Not gonna lie... that part still stings a bit BUT I am adjusting and I know they are happy as long as they know that I am okay so I make sure I always look okay to them. And for the most part, I am.
Bottom line... I am way to good of a person and I value myself too much to waste time longing to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me. Does him not wanting to be with me make any sense given how much he claimed to love me in the past and with everything we had built together? Hell to the no. We were debt free living in a beautiful home and making plans for an awesome retirement. Now... he is living with a woman and parenting her two teenagers full-time and his own kids part time, he has purchased a home and has a $500,000 mortgage, he has lost the respect of many friends and family and is counting on an inheritance from his parents to rescue him financially. His parents will likely both live at least another 10 years. My financial situation is quite a bit better as I have a $100,000 mortgage, a rental home that I own with my sister and about $600,000 equity in the house I live in. Even more than that... I have the respect and admiration (for how I have handled this situation) of friends and family (including many members of his family) and I have held onto my self respect. He lost his a long time ago. When I think about this, TBH, I actually feel kind of sorry for him. He thinks he has skipped over the hard parts by attaching himself to someone new. I think the hard times, for him, are yet to come. I just hope my kids are adults by then so they don’t have to witness it first hand.
Keep posting Wolf. I posted A LOT when things were toughest and it made a HUGE difference in my life. (((HUGS)))
