WMLC - Thoughts appreciated!

[peacetoday]

I dont think the threat of loss of financial and splitting custody will snap them out of MLC

I do think many will get angry when they see the loss, and again project it on to us-

Blame the LBS like we are not being fair when they walk away with half or sometimes less than half depending on who is really going to be raising the kids

I have heard the chances may be better for R if the mlc stays in the home
But some can stall for years staying the home while having multiple affairs and them move

There will be no way to actually know if any tactic will work or backfire
but generally DB asks us to stay put,,,dont rush into anything..give them space ands time and work on yourself-

sorry I know you want a formula but with MLC there is none-

[job]

There really is no way to just "snap them out of MLC". They have to be the ones to travel their paths until they are finished. If you attempt to pull her back into reality, I can promise you that she will re-enter the crisis at a later date right where she left off and it will be far worse than it is right now. The best thing you can do is dig deeper for patience and keep the focus on you and your family.

When they see that we are not fighting the divorce and we begin the process of negotiating settlement, many will become very angry because they do not want to share anything w/us. They do not care if we have a roof over our heads or the children are well taken care of. They are very selfish and self-centered and basically want as much as they can get from the settlement. And, yes, they project everything on to us and we are to blame for all of their unhappiness, which we truly are not.

A MLCer living at home can be very trying. You may want to look up Hawho's threads. She went through the paces w/her man/child and ultimately he moved out and is continuing to be a PITA. They will most certainly try your patience more so if they are living under the same roof because you are around them far more than if they are out on the street living elsewhere.

The LBS will eventually begin to test the waters w/the MLCer, i.e., like a lab experiment and you will discover what works and what doesn't. At that time continue to use what works in your situation. No two MLCers are alike, but they sure do exhibit many of the same behaviors and say things that sound like they come out of a play book.

If you aren't in any hurry to divorce her, then sit back, watch the parade and keep an eye on your finances. Of course, keep the focus on you and your family. One last thing...be sure to wave as she zooms down the street. Try to remember, you didn't break her, therefore you can't fix her.

[WMLC]

Thanks for the feedback. We will see how our chat goes tomorrow and take it from there. I’m giving her space and being as patient as possible.

[WMLC]

Update: Chatted with W earlier today. Probably the quickest and most civil D custody talk ever. We agreed to joint physical custody and legal custody. She opened up by apologizing that we were where we are, and that she never planned on this happening. Next up, discussion of finances in a few days. What it comes down to is this: she is unhappy inside. The only thing left to do is ditch me in an effort to “find happiness.” She’s already gotten a tattoo, new car, new friends, etc. Very sad, but it is what it is at this point. I’ll never stop hoping for a miracle, but I am preparing for what’s likely coming.

[Gordie]

WMLC,

My b d was three years ago.

My w eventually dropped the d and came back.

So feel free to read my back threads.

Unfortunately, this is a slow train.

[WMLC]

Does anyone have any experience with a W who was adopted and is currently in MLC? My W's family has been reaching out to me of late to express a distance they feel from my W over the last 12-18 months, which I have obviously also felt happening. W is one of 5 siblings, each adopted from different parents. Any feedback is appreciated.

[peacetoday]

The MLCer will distance from all family members

My XH was not adopted, but he left his mother and sisters with very little to no contact when he entererd MLC
He never went to his mothers funeral, nor did he ever acknowledge her death when he saw his sisters

Many families will notice the distance the MLCer exhibits and question us..

I dont think it matters if they are adopted although it might make their abandonment issues stronger
due to her birth mother leaving

[WMLC]

Hi All,

Just wanted to keep you all apprised of what's happening, and hopefully get some of your awesome feedback.

We did discuss custody arrangements a little over a week ago and calmly agreed to a mutually agreeable arrangement of 50/50 custody of S 18 and S10. No R or D talk since that time. Communication is 90 percent about kids/bills, and the other 10 percent is general in nature, after she initiates. She has been a little bit lighter with her mood and more chatty when we do see each other. I keep the chats friendly and unrelated to R.

We are separated per MC suggestion (we have another MC session in 2 days). All of our interactions are very cordial and non-combative. I do strongly suspect (though will not snoop in order to prove) there is an OM in the mix here. I am attempting to lovingly detach and be the "lighthouse". Any OM issues would only come into play if she decides to R, so the way I see it there is little to gain by seizing on that right now.

Her parents have contacted me and asked if I noticed W distancing herself and I gave them a non-answer. They indicated they wanted to speak to her to see what is going on, and I did not encourage or discourage them in any way. In-laws are very pro M and I suspect W will avoid them at this point in her MLC.

Lastly, MIL thinks part of this is related to W adoption and the fact her birth family "rejected" her a second time when W made contact with them. This may or may not be the case, but I will not bring this issue up either unless and until W wants to talk about R.

3 months post-BD and about 19 months into MLC signs from W. Hanging in there and hoping for the best, while planning for the worst.

WMLC

[CanBird]

Hi WMLC. How are you doing? Sounds like you're handling everything as well as one can. Hope you're taking care of you during this time. And hope the kids are okay too. Think you're doing a great job just letting W go through her journey. And what you said about the possibility of OM; I totally agree. Leave it for now.

Answer to family & close friends is the worst. Neutral answers. Not black or white, in the middle. I agree it's up to W to explain herself. You can't speak for her. Good for you in your reply to them.

Keep being that lighthouse. You are doing great.

[WMLC]

Thanks, CanBird.

I have been GALing and working out 3 times a week. Joined a curling club. Catching up with old friends. Doing things with S10. Feeling okay, all things considered. Nothing but time will help resolve my sitch.