1. Probably not far off. As I said, I think a lot of this stems from my past, poor behavior. And while great strides have been made here, and there is evidence that it has turned around at least some, I think this may be true. I know we say around here a lot that attraction for wives follows respect. She is insistent that she highly respects me. But I think that past hurts made her lose the romantic "He would never hurt me" view that she had for the "perfect" husband. And while she is thrilled (her own words) with what I have been like the last 22 months, I think there is still a bit of mistrust there that holds her back. I have done quite a bit to re-attract her, but I think it is probably unrealistic to think that 22 months can erase nearly 19 (even 20 counting our last year of dating) of passive-aggressive, covert contracts. I would be open to any thoughts you might have as to how to amp this up even more than I have.
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This actually made me think of something. I understand that it may take her more time to forgive you completely for past hurts but if you want to build attraction, you need to be alpha. This means in your mind you should expect her to accept you for who you are today. If you try to justify her behavior based on your actions 22 months ago, that is beta behavior and will only cause her to lose respect for you. Regardless of your past, you need to act like you are the prize today and mentally act like you expect her to recognize that. Don't make excuses for her. If you can get that mental shift within you, I think that will help. Make sure you don't hurt her today and learn from your past mistakes. Treat her right but expect that she treats you right too based on who you have been recently and not 22 months ago.
Originally Posted by Steve85
2. I do disagree with talking to her about what needs to change though. I think I need to keep this all in the mind sight of controlling myself. Can I live the rest of my life with this new person she has become? Or do I need to let her go to be whomever she feels she needs to be, and move with my own life? It is a big question. And one that I need to take time and wrestle with, but not trying to control or change her in the process.
What I meant is that if there are any deal breakers for you, talk to her before you decide it is not worth standing. If you can accept her for who she is, that is the best case scenario. But if something is important to you and you absolutely need her to change don't assume she won't and walk away. There may be things your wife is willing to change if she knows it is hurting the marriage - and she may decide to change because it makes her a better person and not just because you wanted it. Think about all of the LBS who come here saying "if only I knew what to change sooner, I could have saved my MR". You don't want to be a WAS because you did not communicate to her that something was a deal breaker for you.
Originally Posted by Steve85
Thanks MLC for your insight as always! I appreciate it greatly.
Happy to help! Some of the feedback I have provided is not easy to read with an open mind but I know you are a strong person that can take this the right way. I do believe you can turn this around quickly with a few more small changes.
