#16 - Recovering from speed bump, piecing and Ring

[hoosjim]

I woke up from a dream last night where she admitted (in the dream) to still contacting this last guy, and that she was engaging with him in an inappropriate way. I asked if she was in love with him, and she said she was. I asked if she wanted to leave for him, and she wouldn't answer. When I woke up from that I had trouble going back to sleep, not because I was upset, but because I wasn't upset. I started to explore why I was not upset and realized that I have reach a point, after nearly 2 years, where I am at point of not being sure of what I want. And it has a side-effect of the que sera sera attitude that I am feeling.

That's interesting. I had a similar dream (that W was actually amorously smitten, in love with, the OM, and that i witnessed a tender moment between them). Unlike you, this was very early in my journey and i was NOT so sanguine about it-- at that point it represented what would have been a definite escalation in my W's interactions with OM and I had also not yet reached any kind of level of detachment--- this was maybe two months into the whole thing. Funny thing was, their relationship had escalated, as i would soon come to find out, and I would also, at that point, begin my long journey to 180/GAL/improve myself and detach myself. I relate this because, to me, this is a very clear sign that you have the detachment you need to 1) be healthy for yourself and 2) be AMOAFWL and the best husband possible for your w. Dreams, prescient or not, can reveal important information about both ourselves and those around us and our relationships with them.

I think one of the other reasons for all of this is that for the last nearly 2 years where I have DB'd my tail off, my W is still not the girl I married. She has changed, and while some of that might be typical as we age, I just feel like some of it is the result of the past harm I have caused. She is not as affectionate as she used to be, she is much more solitary and independent, and she is more blunt and forthcoming with how she really feels about things (I could give examples but I think that captures it) where before she was much more conscious of how it might impact others' feelings.

People change sometimes. This can particularly be so as we age and our hormonal balance changes, and, as i understand it, can be doubly so for women in the age group of our wives as they undergo menopause. I, too, noticed profound changes in my W during her waywardness. Often reminded me nothing of her old self. Ultimately, there were elements in her personality and makeup-- strong ones-- that prevailed within her and helped bring her back (and largely, as i have posted before, due to a divine softening of her heart, and of mine). However, even when she "came back", she was still somewhat changed. Thankfully, she was still someone i wanted to be with and i someone she wanted to be with. But that is something you will have to decide in your own case... as will your wife... Because, at the end of the day, love is not an arrow shot from the string of a little cherub, nor a magical spell cast from on high. True, lasting, love is a choice-- a verb much more than it is a noun-- that I choose to love this person, and everything that they are, all their good and all their "bad". That definition and meaning of "love" is something i did not completely understand prior to my ordeal, but is a revelation that my spiritual journey during that period led me to. In the end, i think that that concept of love--"I choose you"-- is way more romantic, sexy, whatever you want to call it than the others.

I hope and pray that you and your W make that choice, if it is the best one for you and that, if you don't, you find someone that warrants such a choice and who will find you worthy of the same choice in return.