I am in a weird space now. I am not anxious, scared or anything. I just am doing my thing, doing my GAL activities and am okay with whatever occurs moving forward. Life will go on. Que sera sera. I have implicit trust in God that whatever will happen will work for the good.
I feel like I have become so good at detachment that I am almost disconnecting. And while I think that should concern me, it does not.
I woke up from a dream last night where she admitted (in the dream) to still contacting this last guy, and that she was engaging with him in an inappropriate way. I asked if she was in love with him, and she said she was. I asked if she wanted to leave for him, and she wouldn't answer. When I woke up from that I had trouble going back to sleep, not because I was upset, but because I wasn't upset. I started to explore why I was not upset and realized that I have reach a point, after nearly 2 years, where I am at point of not being sure of what I want. And it has a side-effect of the que sera sera attitude that I am feeling.
The good news is that in the past this would have caused me to revert on my 180s. I have matured beyond that, so I still have my changes instilled in me.
I think one of the other reasons for all of this is that for the last nearly 2 years where I have DB'd my tail off, my W is still not the girl I married. She has changed, and while some of that might be typical as we age, I just feel like some of it is the result of the past harm I have caused. She is not as affectionate as she used to be, she is much more solitary and independent, and she is more blunt and forthcoming with how she really feels about things (I could give examples but I think that captures it) where before she was much more conscious of how it might impact others' feelings.
In general, I guess while things are good, the last speedbump was a wake up reminder that all of this is still precarious and to make sure I am detached, that I am GAL, and that my 180s are truly who I am and not just to effect an outcome.
So that is where we are. Kind of an internal war with myself. I think part of it is what I've talked about in the past, where things were so bad for so long prior to the BD in Dec 2017 that I am looking back and wondering if I even want to keep trying. That there is more out there that is more fulfilling. That there is someone that will be more fitting to what I want and need rather than settling for what she is capable or willing to give. Or maybe I am just tired and want an end. Maybe marriage is too much work and I am not willing to do that work. Regardless, I know I am going to be ok no matter what!
Steve, I don't have any answers but I can provide some insight of some problems I see having the benefit of looking at this from the outside without emotions involved. Again, these are my opinions and I could be wrong, but I am listing them in the hope they may be useful to you
1. Attraction: I feel that your wife is not attracted to you. Find what is missing and work on getting the attraction back in your marriage. I understand you are probably aware of this, but based on your sitch you are not taking the right actions to re-attract her back. Give this some thought and see what you need to do different.
2. Stop expecting your W to become the girl you married. Accept her for the person she is today or talk to her about what needs to change. The change should not require her to become who she was earlier just the person you want her to be in the future.
3. You are clearly not happy in your marriage. I feel that you are standing because you value the institution of marriage and that may be leading to subconscious resentment in your DB efforts. Adopt a mindset that you are willing to walk away from the marriage (note that this is different from actually walking away). I think this will not only help you but also help re-trigger attraction in your W
1. Probably not far off. As I said, I think a lot of this stems from my past, poor behavior. And while great strides have been made here, and there is evidence that it has turned around at least some, I think this may be true. I know we say around here a lot that attraction for wives follows respect. She is insistent that she highly respects me. But I think that past hurts made her lose the romantic "He would never hurt me" view that she had for the "perfect" husband. And while she is thrilled (her own words) with what I have been like the last 22 months, I think there is still a bit of mistrust there that holds her back. I have done quite a bit to re-attract her, but I think it is probably unrealistic to think that 22 months can erase nearly 19 (even 20 counting our last year of dating) of passive-aggressive, covert contracts. I would be open to any thoughts you might have as to how to amp this up even more than I have.
2. Good advice. I do think that there was an element of hoping that DBing, that being a better spouse, that 180ing on some very poor, destructive behavior, would engender her to change back to being more like the girl I married. Sometimes the feelings of the heart have a tough time receiving the logic from the brain. And I think this was the case here. My head was saying "Listen to sandi! The girl you married is gone." But my heart was longing for that girl that thought I walked on water. The truth is that if we have any chance of a future I do have accept her for the woman she is now. I do disagree with talking to her about what needs to change though. I think I need to keep this all in the mind sight of controlling myself. Can I live the rest of my life with this new person she has become? Or do I need to let her go to be whomever she feels she needs to be, and move with my own life? It is a big question. And one that I need to take time and wrestle with, but not trying to control or change her in the process.
3. I think you are right with your first statement to a point. I am 90% happy with my marriage. But the 10% raises its ugly head from time-to-time. I do value the institution of marriage. Otherwise I would have bolted a long time ago. But I am not sure about the characterization that I am subconsciously resentful in my DB efforts. I say that because about 3 months in I realized that DBing was for me. Even if I was single I would need to be detached (not letting things out of my control decide if I am happy or not), GAL (go out and do new things, engage in things I enjoy), and 180 (engage in constant self-improvement,never settling for where I am at in my development). And I believe truly that I am willing to walk away from my marriage. While it isn't what I want, what I need to do is to decide what I WANT, that was the point of my update/diatribe earlier. I need to figure that out (I have a plan I think I am going to hire a life-coach), and the decide if she, as who she is today, fits into that desire or not. And then act accordingly.
Thanks MLC for your insight as always! I appreciate it greatly.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
