I am in a weird space now. I am not anxious, scared or anything. I just am doing my thing, doing my GAL activities and am okay with whatever occurs moving forward. Life will go on. Que sera sera. I have implicit trust in God that whatever will happen will work for the good.
I feel like I have become so good at detachment that I am almost disconnecting. And while I think that should concern me, it does not.
I woke up from a dream last night where she admitted (in the dream) to still contacting this last guy, and that she was engaging with him in an inappropriate way. I asked if she was in love with him, and she said she was. I asked if she wanted to leave for him, and she wouldn't answer. When I woke up from that I had trouble going back to sleep, not because I was upset, but because I wasn't upset. I started to explore why I was not upset and realized that I have reach a point, after nearly 2 years, where I am at point of not being sure of what I want. And it has a side-effect of the que sera sera attitude that I am feeling.
The good news is that in the past this would have caused me to revert on my 180s. I have matured beyond that, so I still have my changes instilled in me.
I think one of the other reasons for all of this is that for the last nearly 2 years where I have DB'd my tail off, my W is still not the girl I married. She has changed, and while some of that might be typical as we age, I just feel like some of it is the result of the past harm I have caused. She is not as affectionate as she used to be, she is much more solitary and independent, and she is more blunt and forthcoming with how she really feels about things (I could give examples but I think that captures it) where before she was much more conscious of how it might impact others' feelings.
In general, I guess while things are good, the last speedbump was a wake up reminder that all of this is still precarious and to make sure I am detached, that I am GAL, and that my 180s are truly who I am and not just to effect an outcome.
So that is where we are. Kind of an internal war with myself. I think part of it is what I've talked about in the past, where things were so bad for so long prior to the BD in Dec 2017 that I am looking back and wondering if I even want to keep trying. That there is more out there that is more fulfilling. That there is someone that will be more fitting to what I want and need rather than settling for what she is capable or willing to give. Or maybe I am just tired and want an end. Maybe marriage is too much work and I am not willing to do that work. Regardless, I know I am going to be ok no matter what!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
