[BluWave]

I am sorry you find yourself here. You are in the right place. You may not always hear/read something you like -- tough love and 2*4s -- but I would encourage you to keep posting either way. Everyone here is going through a similar sitch or has gone through it and come out on the other side. By that I don't mean they all saved their M, but many people have moved on to much healthier situations, for them and for their families. There are many posters here that have, or have had, wayward Hs. I am one of them. I will link a couple threads to check out after this post.

I am not sure why DianneVa suggests throwing D papers in his face, but as Cadet says, it could very well likely end in a D. My assumption is that because you are here, you want to save your M. I am not clear how her advice follows the DB principles, but some people do think that threatening D or starting a new R can scare them back home, however it is not inline with what we learn here. I think your best bet right now is to read all of Cadets links and then read them again. Start implementing Sandi's rules today. I used to read them every morning and then try my best to follow all of them. I made mistakes, and that is okay, and then I would simply start over. When I was able to follow them well, I often felt better about myself and started working towards detaching a bit.This is a very painful time and it is important to practice self forgiveness, patience and love. You won't be perfect and that is okay too.

I completely agree with SoTorn. In fact, I will take it a step further and say that I am certain he has had or is having As. Why am I certain? Because I have been reading here for 6 years and if there is one thing I have learned it is that our inner voice is always right! Call it intuition, gut feeling, a sense that something could be slightly off and "maybes" are all enough signs that you can just trust it. It is happening. All posters here that have had a spouse that had an A, will all tell you that they just had a feeling that something was off. That is all the proof you really need. I stand by my beliefs.

So what do you do differently? You still follow the same rules, drop the rope, do not initiate any contact, etc. However as SoTorn says, you need to start protecting yourself. You need to protect yourself physically (from STDs and pregnancy) and emotionally (you are extremely vulnerable right now and he is taking advantage of that). This is some massive cake eating. He has left you and your home, yet he is allowed to date you and sleep with you? You should cut all of that off. Why? Can't it bring you closer, people ask? I do not believe that for a second. It actually weakens your position. Strong and confident women do not allow their H to abandon the M, tell them it's over, and then come and go as they please. Just try and think about it as an outsider for a moment if you can.

Your first post concerned me. You mentioned that your arguments have been physical. Are you willing to elaborate on that more? Because I am wondering if the end of this sort of relationship could be a blessing in disguise. I feel strongly that no one should ever put their hands on another or cause any type of physical harm or even use violence as intimation. I had an Ex from my younger days where things almost escalated to that point, and many years later, I can see how damaging and unhealthy that relationship was. In my M now, we have had a lot of struggles, but nothing that ever compromised physical safety. I do wonder if that is the sort of M that is worth walking away from. If not for you, then for the kids. Perhaps I misunderstood that and need correcting.

Take good care,
Blu