Now what# 3/cautious optimism

[BarbH]

DNJ Thank you.

I feel like I'm suddenly feeling my way through a whole new fogbank-and am looking for landmarks!

I've yet to figure out those snappy "quote" cuts folks are able to do.

Quote: "However, one needs to ensure they are happy with their deep values / beliefs. This is part of using time well. Do that inner work. Find, alter, and strengthen your values. If you are not please about something within yourself, this is a great time to fix it.

You told H that counselling was non-negotiable. That is ok, probably true, and a very good thing. So go."

-Yes, I am working on that. I have been in IC for 2 months with a therapist I have really connected wtih. I have come "back to myself" to some extent, and am much clearer on what I want/need from our relationship, and from myself.

One issue I have (and this was an "aha" moment this morning) is that I do tend to give ultimatiums. I have said counselling was not-negotiable, and as uncomfortable as I am backing down from a line in the sand, I will put this on the back burner for him, as he always moves slower than I do. I've added this to my 180 list! No ultimatums/lines in sand as one of his issues with me apparently was its "her way or the highway". Tada!

The Cell phone and Trust: Yes, you nailed it. I want to trust him. I have apologized for the snooping and we did have some discussion around it at the time. Looking at the baby steps: over the past month, he's not been near the EA that I can see-no unexplained blocks of time missing on his ham tracker. He's starting to tell me what's on his phone when it "dings" "Oh, that's twitter", or last night "Luke wants to discuss a project"

I will apologize again when we have our "weekly meeting".

Thank you as well for reminding me of "baby steps".

1. He's home
2. We're making tentative plans for movies nights/dinner etc.
3.He tells me what he doing when he's not home, and knows that the tracker is on.
4.Last night, I was feeling a little anxious-I'd like him to be more affectionate, he isn't ready. I said something, and he calmly said "let's discuss that when we have our meeting". It's actually how amazingly that calmed me down. I think just knowing we can table things for later when we are ready, and not explode and/or sweep them under the carpet is so helpful. And knowing he's on board wtih this.
5. I took our dog for a walk on the dike. H was in town. I called and said "why don't you meet us". For the past month, this has been a flat no. Today it was "oh no, I have to take my sister to the store, but I'll text you when I'm done and see where you are". Didn't work out, but I think he would have/will in future. small steps

You're right, I have time. I need to keep developing patience which isn't my strong suite (clearly!). This board has been so helpful.

I have a list of things I'd like to talk about with him, but for our first "meeting", it's small.

I will talk about trust and cellphone/laptop etc, but won't expect any resolution-just putting it out there.
Apologize again for snooping-it will be the lead in to above.

He can have the floor-I will validate like crazy. Some of it will be valid, and while painful, it will be helpful to know, rather than me just guessing.