Hi everyone. I don't know how to start it right... We've been living with my husband for almost 6 years together, till one day, out of the blue he said he said about his intentions of going through divorce. He can't clearly explain his reasons behind going through divorce, he just saying the he's not happy in marriage and refusing of visiting a family therapist. I don't know if I should keep trying to save this marriage, the way he behave seems like he's having an affaid. I don't know what should I do, so I'll be thankful for any advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Your H or W is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME. USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Me-65, D32,S31
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I was hoping on receiving some support and advices, not the list of books that I should buy. You have to understand that it's a really hard time for me and I'm not in condition of reading a book...
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted by Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
It feels horrible to be in the situation you're in. It really stinks and we all know how much it hurts.
I've only been here for about six weeks but I can tell you, you've come to the right place. There are soooo many people here who are so empathetic and have gone through this themselves.
I can tell you a few things advice wise that are working for me right now.
Heed the advice from Job above. Then, READ EVERYTHING ELSE THERE IS ON THIS BOARD. (Once you've read the above, do the rest in smaller doses.)
Say "STOP" out loud and breathe deeply when your mind goes to really crappy places.
Accept the thoughts and emotions you're having and feeling as completely normal even if they don't feel that way. (My mind is everywhere still.)
Don't make any decisions driven by emotion.You have time on your side so wait for all that. (I have to tell myself that daily.)
Even if you think its hocus pocus, get a meditation app and use it. It will calm your mind even if it's just for five minutes at a time. (I always thought that was crap. It's not.)
Keep posting.
Me 56 W 42 T14 M12 ILYBINILWY 08/07/19 BD 08/11/19 Discovered Whaaaat? 2 Kids One DD 30mos Adopted from Foster 12/18 One DS 17mos Adopting First week of Sept 19 Separate BR 08/15/19
We provide this useful Welcome Posting to each and every poster that comes here. The list of links that I posted are not books...they are threads/postings by our forum members. They will offer you valuable information to help you through the days to come and may even offer you some answers to your questions.
Now, to the nitty gritty, you need to provide more information so that we can assist you. For example, how old is your h? Has anything happened in the last 18-24 months that may have triggered his thinking that he is unhappy w/the relationship/marriage. For example, death of a co-worker, friend and/or family member? Birth of a child, empty nester, health issues, loss of a job or a new promotion, bankruptcy, class reunion, etc.?
Sounds like he may have met someone. Have you noticed him using he phone or the computer more often? Trying to convince him to see a therapist right now will not work. He doesn't think he's got an issue and he's not ready to seek help for that unhappiness or the relationship.
I suggest that you give him plenty of space and time to work out his issues. Try to refrain from discussing the relationship and divorce. While he is doing that, you need to keep the focus on you, watch your bank accounts and credit card statements. I would also suggest seeing out a lawyer to see what your options are if a divorce proceedings are initiated. Whatever you learn, do not share it w/him. The same applies to this site. This site is for you to come here, ask questions and take away from the discussions what can assist you.
Dig deeper for patience, keep the focus on you and try not to over analyze his every word or action. Remember, actions speak louder than words.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
He is going through something that is causing this and their is nothing you can do to change him or his thoughts. All you can do is change YOU and pray that he comes through what he is going through.
What if that b@stard is cheating, should I pray for him in that case too? I did everything from my side to save that marriage, if he needed more time could simply said that. Saying out of blue, that you want to divorce, like those years together meant nothing for him, not even explaining anything properly...
Last edited by job; 09/24/1904:03 PM. Reason: Edited language
Probably, he needs even more prayer in that case. Everything you describe is exactly what most of us here have been through. No sense, no logic, no consideration for you as the LBS. You will find lots of stories you can relate to and endless amounts of great advice. Keep reading, and hang in there.
