I do have a question for AS and any others that may have attended Retrouvaille. I know the questions circle around your own feelings. How do you respond to the questions in reference to BD? Meaning do you frame your responses on how you felt prior to BD when everything was seemingly good, post BD when your life was turned upside down, or provide both perspectives? Thanks in advance.
They will guide you through the communications process once you're there. The focus isn't on what happened or why, the focus is very much on feelings. What you are feeling, what she is feeling, how to explain why you feel like you do, what questions to ask her to discover why she feels like she does. It's all about listening and validating. If you read my comments on validation you know I'm always saying that validation is not agreeing/disagreeing/ negotiating/ explaining/ arguing/ etc. It is simply acknowledging. You may completely disagree with why she is angry about something, but you can STILL acknowledge that she is angry. We all have our feelings about things and the idea is to understand that to each of us, our feelings are real and are our reality whether others agree with them or not. Retro will help you to understand this, and to have your feelings and to let others have theirs. They will give you communication tools and skills for this. They will also give you tools to unlock a lot of feelings you may have been holding in for a long time. It's a very emotional experience.
My best advice for Retro is to quit thinking about it. Go in with a fresh mind. Drop any expectations you have about it. I'll tell you right now it's very unlikely to trigger a 180 in your wife, she's not to that point yet. Go into it not expecting your M to be saved, but rather accept it as a learning experience for you. It didn't save my M but I did learn a lot. I learned 90% of what I know about listening and validating there.
