Is the rest of my life ruined???

[Ske0187]

Hello again.

Friday evening the W asked what I was doing as far as spending the night at the sister's house. I wasn't too sure what I was going to be doing but I was leaning towards coming home just to keep the peace a little and I had Jiu Jitsu Sunday afternoon.

The W asked and I said I'm probably coming back. She said "Why don't you stay?" I was then perplexed. She was pissed that I wanted to stay and then wanted me to stay. I just started shaking my head from the turnaround. I shouldn't have though.

I gave her the reason about Jiu Jitsu. She then got pissed about me shaking my head. I was more or less speechless about her turn around so I was kind of quiet about it. She started acting like I was insulting her about it and started raising her voice. I asked her to calm down and she said all she was trying to do was be accommodating. I told her I appreciated that but she needed to calm down a little so we could talk. She then went into what I had said the night prior and misstated what I had said. I corrected her, (BIG mistake) stating what I had actually said. She totally drew me into an argument. I had told myself this wouldn't happen but it did...

She then transitioned into blaming and name calling. She called me a narcissist and an a$$hole. I then said "This is why I don't like to talk to you. You're just not safe to talk to." She said. Well, I'm sorry for calling you an a-hole, but you are a narcissist so I'm not apologizing for that.

I'm pretty sure I'm not a narcissist but I had to look it up. I'm not happy that she baited me into some minor level of self doubt. That irks me. I think I'm just a normal guy and with the exception of the surprise WW, I had normal guy marital problems. I now realize they were alot bigger than I thought but none of them were because I'm a narcissist...WTF...

I'm thinking she's not telling her therapist the truth about our relationship. I think she's probably giving her the "history rewritten" version of our issues and leaving out the infidelity. Otherwise, she wouldn't have come up with the narcissism angle. She's very smart but that's not really in her wheelhouse.

Anyway, I'm in the "this isn't going to work out" mode right now. If I wait long enough, my mind will change again though. I really don't know how much of this is working for me or against me. I'm thinking it may be too early to tell.

I've started meditating. I really didn't think much of it in the past but it really seems to get my mind calmed down from it's frantic pace so I'm glad for it.

My SIL asked how things were going. I said really crappy. She still wants me to go to MC. I'm not sure I want to go while the W still has contact with the OM. I'm only considering it because maybe the MC would open her up to see the fog she's in and what she is putting at risk. I think it's probably a waste of time at the moment and would end up just being in the "I did everything I could." category.

Time is on my side and going or not going to MC isn't a super critical decision at the moment. It's only been six weeks since BD and my mind is still everywhere.

Well, back to the trenches...

Thanks for listening.