Persistent Endurance (Part 6)

[curtis7]

Been a couple weeks since I posted, so I wanted to give a LONG update on my sitch. No paperwork has been filed, I'm still married, still separated, WW may or may not still be in a PA (assuming she is), horse is still on my property, and....
....surprise, surprise we're registered for Retrouvaille...why?...I don't really know...maybe because I'm long overdue for something positive to happen in my sitch.

I really appreciate the comments and advice from JoeJoe, LH, Sandi, AS, Nef, IHC, MrBrside, etc. I've re-read your most recent posts on my thread several times and I think it has finally sunk in. JoeJoe, I especially appreciate the summary of the tough love you showed your W. I'll admit that I've failed miserably at DBing. I wasn't able to bring myself to apply the techniques at the proper time. Had I been able to do it over again, knowing what I know now, I would have done things differently. I would not have tolerated disrespect from the start when I discovered the PA with OM1. My shortcomings may have cost me my MR, but I have reached my highest level of detachment so far.

At the beginning of September, I finally came to the realization that my W just doesn't love me. If she did, then she would do whatever it takes to be with the man she loves. This is why she doesn't put forth any effort into us. There are OM in her life that are more important to her. When the LBS accepts this fact, then detachment becomes much easier. It has also freed my mind to reflect deeply on her behavior and choices and how damaging they have been to me and my kids. I won't go into the details, so much of it is absolutely disgusting.

To say that getting BD is a life changing experience is an understatement. Nevertheless, I am a much stronger person as a result and will know how to handle it and know that I'll be fine if I'm ever in a similar sitch again. My confidence has returned, I am more productive at work, spend quality time with my kids when they're with me, and keep busy most evenings with coaching S8's baseball team, playing volleyball and basketball, watching D5 play soccer, going to church, spending time with friends. As great as it would be to share all of this with my family fully intact, I find that I don't nearly miss my W as much. She is off living her life and whatever that entails and I'm living mine.

Contact with WW has been minimal this month. She rarely reaches out, occasionally there is a short text exchange or brief conversation about the kids and that's about it. When the kids are exchanged, we wait in each other's garage and don't step foot in each other's house.

Something else I'll share. At the end of August, when I took S8 to the college football game, my W and D5 went to my parent's house. They spent over 4 hours there and my mom had somewhat of a relationship talk with my W without my prior consent. My mom basically told her that MR is hard and it's not always sunshine and rainbows. That there were many times when she was upset with my dad, but they worked through it, and they've just celebrated their 45th anniversary.

Here were some of the highlights that W said to my mom:
"Curtis and I are on different timelines."
"I've notice his changes, but I'm still trying to figure things out for myself."
"I'm not ready to come back yet."
"I feel bad for making him wait."
"We might attend this Retrouvaille thing, but don't change any of your plans now to watch the kids."
"We're both on a deed of the other house and it could become a rental."
"I don't like going out anymore, the crowd is too young for me." (referring to the night last November when she accepted a ride from a stranger and met OM1)
"My sister turned out normal, but I did not."
"Probably not, no one knows me better than myself." (when mom asked if she was going to talk with someone about her issues)

My gut tells me that she is still in contact with OM3, but I don't think she has gone to see him this month as he lives 2 hours away. Perhaps, the talk with my mother caused her to rethink some of her choices; although, I could be completely wrong. She seems cold and fairly distant, what does AP withdrawal look like?

A post I read from Steve85 on R2C's Quotes thread struck me.

I think it is important that you make sure they understand two things:

1. That you are willing to walk away and end things. As quoted earlier in my thread (s), "they will never find you more attractive than when you're walking away". So true.

2. That they understand that you do love them, that you'd prefer to stay with them, but not unless there are changes and work done in their end.

About a week and a half ago I sent my W the following text: "Hope you know how much I really do love you." She replied: "I know you do. Thank you." This is the first time I said ILY all year. I wanted to say that regardless of how my sitch resolves. Sending it felt like a farewell to me and helped detach more knowing that I've stated through all of the crap and BS, I still made the choice to love her. She will understand that I am willing to walk away and end things soon as well if she doesn't make a choice and I make it for her.

The last two sermons at church have been very appropriate, they were on forgiveness and boundaries, how fitting for the LBS. Kids went with me to the service and afterwards, I asked S8 how he was doing through all of this. He didn't want to say much as I don't think he likes to speak poorly about his mother. Then, he finally said he was sad and that he was angry that he doesn't get to be with both of his parents everyday. This was hard to hear. I just told him I wish things were different but we'll make the most of the time we do have together. Sometimes I hope that my kids turn out nothing like who their mother is right now as her morals destroy people.

Finally...on to Retrouvaille. WW had originally agreed to give the program a try at the beginning of August. I sent her some more information on it at the end of August where it stated that infidelity must be ended before the program is entered. She never responded to the email. I sent her a text a week ago as I needed to know if arrangements should be made for child care, here was the exchange:
H: "Ball is in your court wrt to Retrouvaille."
No response until two days later.
W: "So I asked some questions but they haven't responded yet. The retrovaille or whatever it's called."
H: "Thanks for the update. I appreciate you letting me know."
W: "We can just register and go from there?"
H: "I can do that online. I think they follow up with a phone call."
W: "Okay"
H: "Alright, I'll sign us up."

I received a call from the registration coordinator that evening. He only asked if I'm willing to commit to the entire program consisting of the weekend and 6 follow-up sessions. He also went through a list of requests including that ties with any outside relationships be severed prior to starting the program. W sent me a joking text about some of the requirements later that night. So, I guess she received the call as well and agreed to the terms. Does this mean she is ending her A, I doubt it. I really have no idea why she is going other than to say she tried, who knows, can't hurt anything at this point.

I know many of you advised against attending Retrouvaille until she recommitted to working on the MR. However, I see it as my LRT. I've read stories where WAS went in right off an affair and decided to recommit as the weekend progressed. I am hoping for that miracle, because I don't want to continue living in limbo. Trust me when I say my expectations are nearly zero. I've gone back and forth this week asking myself if I really want to go through with the weekend and if I really see a happy future with her. I certainly don't with who she has become, but if the alien monster departs, perhaps a woman will be exposed that I still love.

I do have a question for AS and any others that may have attended Retrouvaille. I know the questions circle around your own feelings. How do you respond to the questions in reference to BD? Meaning do you frame your responses on how you felt prior to BD when everything was seemingly good, post BD when your life was turned upside down, or provide both perspectives? Thanks in advance.