Guess I'm standing. Was "now what?"

[BarbH]

Hi Gerda, yes you're right I don't accept him as he is. I am hopeful that As he is isn't the finished product. As he is, there is the glimmer that I want him. I don't want the man who lied to me for 15 years and yet still manages to blame me for the failures. Particularly in the past 5 years i have literally done 90% of the heavy lifting and even that wasn't good enough. So no, I do not accept the petulant spoiled man child. I am hopeful that the responsible loving man i married is still there- I see more and more glimpses of him.

So he tells me he wants to reconcile. Well my questions now are how? We have so many issues to address that we can't do it on our own. My personal boundary is that I can't live with dishonesty. It's a deal breaker. Now that I know for how long and how dishonest he was, he needs to address it. I can't reconcile without honesty. He doesn't get a pass. He's had 15 years in which Hhes managed to bring us to this place. Yes I have my issues and responsibilities but I'm not the cheater/liar.

I may push him.back into the tunnel. He may step up and respond. He has a choice to make, and it's time to make one. Saying "I want to reconcile" doesn't magically make it happen.

I'm my mind, what's the worst that can happen? He leaves and we are truly done? We've been there already. I don't need him, I am fine. ( sad but fine), but even though I don't need him I want him and a good marriage back. We are already there-he says we were done 15 years ago, and he emotionally left fully 2 years ago, and is now weighing his options. I've had enough. We move forward together or i move forward alone. My dignity and self respect is not tied to him. I get to direct my life and if I decide not accept certain behaviours, well that's my choice to make with full awareness of what the consequences may be.

He needs to be aware of where I am in this, his choices are his to make, and he needs to be aware of the consequences.

I'm actually holding off on the counselling but after a month back together....the transparency talk is crucial. I would have liked to do it with a third party but that may not happen.

Job is right he did come back to soon and now I have to deal with that too. He thinks my kindness and forgiveness is endless and it's not. And yes I'm angry., I am trying to deal with that while we hopefully reconnect. But as I've said, I've done the vast majority of emotional work in our marriage and it's time for him to either step up or not. Grow up and become a man i can respect or not. I don't think establishing my boundary is unreasonable. It's mine to establish. his response is for him to decide.

If he can be transparent, and we can do counselling, I can wait. If he can't He can leave until either he can or we are done. He can say he wants to reconci!e all he wants. Prove it.