Gerda's Prayer Takes the Form of Angels

[DnJ]

Good Morning Gerda

My old friend FEAR. Funny you should say that, or maybe not, perhaps it is expected.

Yes, fear is looked at as kind of a friend. A part of oneself. Dealing with it from that perspective is more productive that battling an unwilling and unyielding enemy. One doesn’t banish or vanquish their fears; one stops feeding them. They still exist, just not all consuming, nor all powerful. Concerns without the emotionally paralytic irrational response to that possible future.

With that in mind, let’s look at the intellectual and rational problem you face.

You state it is not the email that concerns you. Excellent! However, you are tying H’s email(s) to possible court decisions. Exactly what he is attempting to get you to do! His email highlights and threatens all the outcomes you fear - he is playing upon them.

I totally understand and empathize your fear about what the courts may decide and allow him to do. Please stop saying “terrified that he may come back”. Your mind is listening. Write and say “bravery”. Do not let this doofus of a husband/man belittle, bully, and push you around. And by the way, you allow that - and I’ve been there. People will treat us as we let them. Or more internalized and personal idea - people treat you as you see them treating you.

For example, in my role at work I do get criticized by others. I don’t (not try - don’t) take it personally. I see it as their viewpoint. And sometimes they are correct, and I need to make adjustments. Other times, they are just venting, or have their own problems, and it is complete projection - a response from them being held accountable and not wanting to be. Point being, how I approach it has a big affect on how I see it.

So, yeah, H is threatening, or asserting to assuage his fragile ego, or whatever. Let that go. Leave it. H has his problems and is going to project and lash out - detach from it. Whatever he does - will not affect you!

Hmmm. That’s pretty good. Just writing and talking to you, that just came out. Maybe write that down on one of those pieces of paper you carry around.

Whatever H does - doesn’t affect me! I control me!

So let’s get to the heart of this matter. The courts may allow him to come home.

Ok. Can you prevent it? Can you control what the courts are going to decide? It is guaranteed to happen?

This is out of your control. The courts will do what they will. You and your layer are doing the best you can, trust it to work out - even it is a more eventually it will work out kind of belief. Look, no one wins all the battles, but I am sure you are going to win the war. By the way, I’m not pushing the fighting analogy - the emotional side of it - just the business side of it. It’s pretty apt.

Is this feared outcome guaranteed? No. And this is interesting. If it is guaranteed, not much point in fearing it, as it will happen. (Weird, I know, I remember how things used to look). If it is not guaranteed, well that is why we uncouple our irrational attached feelings from that possible future event. No point being all fearful and paralyzed over something that may or may not happen - or over something that will for sure. Intellectually fear doesn’t make a lot of sense.

You can be concerned and have contingencies in event of something - power failures are a pretty good example. (Wonder why I would think of that. Oh yeah, really big storm yesterday, oh my goodness so many things to fix... but I digress, this about you and your situation).

So, if he is allowed to come home. Now, rationalize this. That will uncouple things. Will take away the terror.

The fear lay in certain possibilities you are obsessing over. However there are many more paths this could take, don’t overlook, or maybe more proactive advice, consider the other paths this could take.

H may not even want to come home. H might not even take this to court. H could change lawyer again. Etc.

If he does come home, you already got this dread all laid out for yourself. Choose better. Change it up. Kill him with kindness. The best revenge is you living a great life. I’m going to be open about this - I don’t like that saying. The revenge part. I’m not after vengeance - for me it was more give XW to God. Fate will (or won’t) have its revenge on her, I need not worry about that. But, from the MLCers point of view - your great life must look like a slap their face and there is nothing they can do about it. That’s the revenge part - Hey spouse you left all this good stuff.

So, if he comes home - roommate the h3ll of this. You and your kids lead and live a great lives (by the way do that no matter what H does) and leaving him to his. Treat him like almost a stranger. Make meals for you and the kids. Leave him. No laundry. Nothing. He will leave on his own accord. Who cares. You cannot control H, but you can let him make his own decisions - with maybe a little influence (perhaps).

This is all a possible future. I am going to guess you may even find the thought (see not feeling) of “killing him with kindness” rather a bit humorous and it would be kind of fun to implement (and fun being a rather bizarre “fun” that only we here would truly understand). The big idea here - You are not in fear. Thinking, seeing it, finding a different approach, altering the conditions - all intellectual car stuff and not emotionally driven. Nothing for fear to hang on to. Let it wither.

Some more “fun” intellectual stuff - Gerda standing up and living large. Don’t respond to his email. Who cares! He can contact your lawyer. Let his crap be auctioned off. By the way, it is him who is letting his stuff be auctioned off. You have it in writing that he knows - the items in storage “will be trashed Oct.1”. You have ample documentation of informing him of all manners of things. Let him have his consequences. Keep your lawyer in the loop, and you out of it.

There is no way you are going to be able to reason with H. Don’t try. Don’t even bother with his emails anymore, just straight to the lawyer. He is ramping up his fight and will try to mow down anyone or anything in his way. So get out of the way. This why you pay your lawyer.

Please advise about all

You need not advise him about anything.

He wants to be separate. Let him.

Gerda, see what the future brings, and deal with what happens. Yes, keep doing what you can to protect you and the kids, and detach from the emotions and fears that stir up.

I know the dark pit you are in. The fears and anxiety that dwell there. Look beside you, I am there, finger interlocked, a ready handhold, encouraging you to place your foot into it, to rise up and out.

DnJ