Guess I'm standing. Was "now what?"

[Gerda]

Barb, to me you sound as unready as H to have him come back. I agree with Job; he may or may not be ready to do the work. To me it would be shocking if he was already ready, it has been a very short time since BD.

But I don't think that he will get ready under the conditions you are setting for his return.

You have so many conditions and you sound like you have not forgiven him at all. I am not passing judgement at all. I know we all post here to get a birds-eye view from other posters. Mine for you is that you have not forgiven him at all, you are reminding him of his mistake all the time in your words and you actions, and you are giving him a list of things he has to do to come back. If he is a broken man, as all MLCers are, this will make it impossible for him to return. He'll return, maybe, but the pressure will drive him back into the tunnel.

I am not saying you shouldn't have these conditions. That is your choice for your life. I am only saying that from the outside, based on your anger and your conditions, you do not seem to want him back.

I think that for your own self, for your own healing, you would need to forgive him. Maybe you can't right now. But that means not reminding him of his sin/mistake at all, except when you are both in a relationship of deep trust and he wants to talk about it. Forgiveness is a daily operation. You might have to work on it all the time in yourself, as the hurt and anger come in waves. Maybe you aren't there. I found it very hard and could only do it with constant prayer.

If I were in your shoes, and my H were saying those things to me and to other people, I would not necessarily think this was it, and all will now be well. But I would say it was a blessing that the words at least are out there. I would zip my lips, know in myself not to have any expectations, and be as open and kind as possible. I would continue not to initiate contact but I would respond openly to his. If I didn't want him home yet, I would say that I really looked forward to the day he would come home and I would like to date for a while and just enjoy each other's company without the pressure of a return home.

I can't think of any man that would respond well to the pressure you are applying -- and again, those may be your conditions, and that is fine. But certainly an MLCer, who is a broken, raw mess before, during and after the time away, will probably not respond well to that. If the affair stuff is your boundary, so be it, but you can have that boundary without constantly telling him about it. You can say, "Out of respect to our marriage, as much as I enjoy spending time with you, I can't do it when I know you are with other people. Take the time you need, but that's my limit." You can set your own time limit, he doesn't have to know it and feel the pressure of it. Let's say it's a month, if after a month you are done, you can tell him then that you can't talk to him because you know he has not been able to choose. But telling him he has a month, for example, and constantly reminding him of it seems to me like the most sure way to ensure he will not heal or come back.