So are you saying I should literally tell her "no more dinners, no texting, no phone calls, no happy little conversations, because I will NOT be involved in a relationship any longer with a cheater." Am I supposed to explicitly say this to her, in no uncertain terms?
I didn't really mean to literally tell her that, I meant that that should be your internal dialog. She's actively engaging in an affair and until it ends you should keep any contact with her to an absolute minimum and whenever she reaches out then you remind yourself "I will NOT be involved in a relationship any longer with a cheater". Now if she does demand to know why you're distancing, you can say something like that but in a more diplomatic manner, such as "you are actively engaging in an affair and I feel I need time and space from you right now to consider my options moving forward." That puts her on notice that you are not waiting around as Plan B, but in a way that's not rude or cold.
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If so, won't she just run straight to the OM?
She's already there, you can't run to where you already are. Even when she's around you she's with OM. Your actions need to be driven by a desire to save yourself, not driven by fear of what impact it will have on her.
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When I told her to stop talking to the OM before, she said it was important for her to make that decision herself (instead of being pressured into it).
You can't make demands of her, but you can make boundaries. That's the difference between what you did and what I suggested above. When you say "I need time and space while you are engaging in an affair" then you are not telling her to stop the affair, you're telling her that you will not put up with it. You will not be her bestie. When you tell a wayward what to do then what is their response? They rebel against you and do it anyway. Boundaries are about protecting yourself, not making someone else do something.
Originally Posted by Dbx80
Thanks you guys. OK, she has just texted me the following: "Did you want to get dinner tonight with me?"
Can you guys help with the appropriate response? I don't want to mess this up.
I wouldn't go. Read TXHubby's sitch, it'll give you an idea of what a miserable failure it is trying to "nice" a wayward back:
The way you see things right now, you're playing a "pick me!" game with her. You're hoping you can win her favor by showing you're nicer, a better friend and more available than OM. Please have more self-respect than that, you do not deserve a scumbag cheating wife! I really wish you would see her as a scummy cheater because that's what she is. She has the potential to be a great wife again I'm sure, but for now you're dealing with a lot of sleaziness and you're in denial about it. Your attitude should be "I want nothing to do with you until you repent of this waywardness and come back to me with a humble heart and spirit" (again, don't say this to her, this is your internal dialog).
