4 years pieced and still a work in progress!

[BluWave]

Hi everyone,

Things are going fairly well. I read someone post that it took a friend 5 years to recover a M after a bad split/affair, which I think makes sense for my sitch. We are at the 4.5 year mark. There seems to be a natural connectedness and ease that is happening. I think a part of the progress has also been due to not actively working on things and just letting it be at times. When conflict arises, we just say it outright and then let it go more easily. Also, we are both getting older, and can feel that progression in the relationship. I think as we solidly enter "middle age" we naturally stop sweating the small stuff as much. I can't be bothered to worry about what people think of me, or the past, because there is just too much going on right now. I feel that shift happening. I am letting it happen and not resisting it.

I don't read much about relationships or self help books anymore, but I used to when things were harder. I recall reading about the evolution of marital relationships and there are several stages that happen over time. A lot of people (maybe half of Ms) split and then D during the difficult stages. If you can make it through those harder stages of doubt and separation, and then work through them, you can enter those final stages. The final stages are supposed to be the deepest and most meaningful relationships one can achieve in a romantic R. Well, if all that hype is true, then I think I have something to look forward to moving into the future. I feel proud of that.

Oh, ha. And I just thought of a story as I was typing this and it's kinda corny yet ironic! So six years ago we landscaped the front of our home. It was a pretty big project that required removing hedges and a lot of dirt. H is a handyman with gardening/cars/fix-its/house projects, and so he did the labor. He pulled everything out himself and then I selected the new plants, tree and tanbark, and decided where to place it. A dynamic that still exists in our R now and one we both appreciate about one another. Anyhow, at that time, the EA was just getting started with OW and of course I didn't know. She came by the house a few times while he was in front working and I recall her pulling up (our kids had carpools and playdates) and being quite flirty with him and he would ignore her. I found her annoying but also knew her well and this is how she operated in general (flirty and attention seeking from men). We were friends and all simply accepted her bad behavior. He didn't appear to notice her antics. He kept gardening. Here is the funny thing; H wanted to put weed block down under the tan bark and I would tell him not to bother. Our front yard had no protection.

I don't even remember why I told him back then not to use the weed block (maybe he had already laid it all out when he brought it up and I didn't want him uprooting everything?) but I was firm that he shouldn't. So the garden was finished and it bloomed and looked okay for only 1-2 years. Then it was over taken by weeds and because I don't have a green thumb, the plants did not grow proportionally and it didn't look right when matured. Also, as our M almost fell apart, the garden did not get any TLC, and was not a priority. It was a complete mess. So this summer, H started removing the old plants. A couple weeks ago he told me to figure things out so he could do the work and that this time he was laying the weed block down. In the last few years I have made some solid new friendships -- love these ladies for life -- and one of them happens to know a lot about gardening. She picked out the plants for us and I selected the tanbark. So he finished this week and it looks amazing. It is also well protected. I walked up to my house this morning and stopped to admire it. It is still a young garden, but I can imagine that this time around, everything is going to bloom nicely and last. Plus, there is no pesky OW coming around trying to get in the way! Ha!

Blu