I don't know at what point my W was scared. There is a chicken-and-egg nature to how our situation evolved. When we moved 2 years ago, it was very disruptive. My W became withdrawn and depressed and distant, and our relationship suffered. I felt like I tried to meet her needs, but I also started to try to express my needs. Our intimacy fell off a cliff, which was a problem for me, and I tried to initiate conversations about it, but just in raising the issue my W felt blamed and shamed. I felt like she didn't care about my feelings, and instead she started to complain about almost everything - housework, kids, her career. I made changes to try to help her, but it felt like the more I tried, the more she pointed out problems. I had some resentment as I felt she was making no effort on her side to listen to what I had to say. I started to question whether she loved me, and on one occasion got fairly histrionic about it as I was looking for reassurance and she had none to give. I regret how I handled myself, and can see how she would experience it as me being wildly unpredictable. I was never verbally or physically abusive, but I did cry. By the time I pulled over the car in March to try to have a conversation with her (a terrible decision on my part), I was sure that she was thinking about leaving the marriage.
I don't minimize my role in what happened. I do think that we triggered each other. My W's extreme distance and unwillingness to have an open conversation, combined with my fear of abandonment and NGS issues, created this toxic stew. She experiences it as me being unpredictably emotional at times. This has scared her. She feels abused. I experience her as a controlling, cold, domineering person. I've come around on my issues quite a bit, but I don't feel she has.
I would have loved to talk about the episodes that have fed her fear in MC. She has not been willing to discuss so far. I wish we could have a mature adult conversation about it, where I could take my responsibility for what happened, rather than have my W letting her mind race and go to dark places. I have noticed when she does mention things, certain details have changed to the point they are untruthful, and it alarms me.
Here's an example: Back in May, pre-BD but while I was DB'ing, one of my GAL activities was to play guitar at night in our guest area. As this area is soundproof, it didn't wake up the kids, and sometimes I would sing. My W took this as me losing my marbles.
This is a big rambling mess of a post. I don't think she is using fear/abuse as a strategy to control the situation intentionally, but it certainly does feel very controlling on my side.
Thanks for your posts on my situation, unchien. I thought I'd come back and check in on yours.
There's a lot about what you said in this dynamic that resonates with me. I have been - and still am, in many ways, afraid of my H. I don't know if he'd say he felt controlled by my fear, but I suspect he does and I suspect he feels I use it as an excuse to avoid talking about things I don't want to talk about. He's said before that he thinks I get emotional unless I hear exactly what I want to hear. From my point of view, I feel emotional and hurt when he is argumentative, dismissive and unable to show some empathy, even if he fundamentally disagrees with my perception or is not able or willing to give me what I want.
I think what I've found difficult to understand is that he is also afraid of me! He's a large, well built and solid man. He bends to get through doors. I am short and slight. When he says he is feeling overwhelmed or upset, it LOOKS like anger to me. He goes blank faced sometimes and *stares* in a way I find very aggressive and upsetting. It looks extremely sinister and confrontational to me.
We have been talking more recently and he's shared that in those moments, when I see 'anger' and 'threat' and 'sinister silence' what was going on inside for him is that he was overwhelmed, scared and flooded and is 'cutting out'. He'd told me that when I am tearful and upset (I am never aggressive - I don't threaten violence physically or verbally or by gesture, but in the past I have cried a lot) he feels trapped, overwhelmed, and like he is never ever going to be able to get away unless he does whatever it is he thinks I want him to do to stop me crying. He in his own way felt very fearful of and controlled by my emotions.
We're not at the place where we'd do MC together, but what he doesn't seem to understand that in those moments of upset I want empathy, not compliance. That it is okay by me if he says 'no' but not okay by me if he says 'I don't care'. And caring and complying are entirely different things.
I don't know if any of things rings a bell or is remotely useful to you in your situation. My H was raised by a woman who was very loud and emotional and amongst sisters who are very loud and emotional so there may be childhood stuff for him that does not apply to you and your wife. I was raised by a violent and angry father - which will also play its part in how I perceive him and why I feel fear so easily. There may also be a 'Mars and Venus' thing going on in the way we express emotion and what we want to achieve in our interactions (he gets angry because he thinks I want him to fix things and he can't, I don't want him to fix things but want some compassion and contact which doesn't happen when he is angry - we trigger each other, as you said) that might also apply to you - though I'm loathe to reduce human beings to their gender.
