Your posts are really helping me sort things out, thank you.
You're welcome, U. I know how difficult it is getting through this and I am happy to help.
Originally Posted by unchien
I am not trying to nice my W back. I am trying to nice my W so she does not steer things towards a contentious and litigious D. I need to stop the "nice" strategy and be firm and calm and cordial and fair, as you are advising.
Yes, as you said you need to stop the "nice" strategy since it does not matter why you are trying to "nice" her. Stay cordial and be reasonable at the same time. There is a middle ground between trying to "nice" her Vs being contentious
Originally Posted by unchien
MC is a mess and I think I know why. We are mixing "marriage counseling" with "separation/co-parenting coaching."
Are you surprised by this? When you first talked about going to MC many months ago, your main goal was to get the BD instead of being in limbo. After that your justification for continuing MC was 'co-parenting' coaching even though many pointed out that you were in "marriage counseling" but your W has no intention of working on the MR. You probably need to take another look at setting clear goals with the MC and avoid confusion on mixing goals.
Originally Posted by unchien
The concept of "fairness" is hugely problematic for us. /quote]
You won't like this, but I feel that what 'you' think is fair does not count for much. IMHO, approach the negotiations as if you were pursuing a D and look at what would be considered fair by a court of law. If you eventually file for D, that is what the guideline would be anyways. If you happen to R, then the terms of separation won't matter at that time anyways.
[quote=unchien]
All the above being said, I really appreciate you pointing out that I don't need to take the nuclear option to deal with this. I can continue to make small stands for myself.
Yes, it is easy to think of extremes but there is always a middle ground. Even if you file for D, you will need to find middle ground in lot of things such as mediation. You still need to maintain some sort of relationship with your W since you have kids together, so going nuclear is never helpful.
