The major difficulty in this whole process is my W playing the victim role. She talks a lot about being scared and frightened of me. She gets upset if I stand up for myself calmly. I have worries about how D will go, as I assume we are heading down that path at this point.
Ok mate, I fully get your drift. My XW is like that too, but hasnt said she is scared or frightened of me thankfully. Was this her attitude too when you were married, or is it new since separation?
This is tricky to handle. You'll need to make the call if this is just bravado on her part in wanting to control the situation. For me, when my XW and I discussed finance split and exchanged offers, I stood firm on what money I wanted (it was a fantastic deal for her anyway), and simply told her "I'm firm on my position". She ranted, raved and told me she hated me, then a few days later accepted I was immoveable.
I'd try the minimalist approach to responding (without things like 'hope you're having a good time...") and see how she reacts, let it wash over you like waves smashing a granite shoreline, then wait a day or so to see if she changes.
If she says she's 'scared' of you, ask her to tell you what about you scares her so you can understand where she's coming from. Then stand back, gesture for her to talk, and adopt a neutral, contemplative stance.
Yeah my STBXW is scared of me too and has given specific reasons because of my former reactivity to irritating situations, so now I choose not to discuss things in person unless absolutely necessary. All by email. This way emotions aren't high, and there is a record of what was said this way there are no memory issues on both our parts.
I think these former high emotional and willful reactions are based in individual perceptions as skewed as they may be. I think it is a mix of protecting yourself and being bravado when someone is scared or hurt.
I don't know at what point my W was scared. There is a chicken-and-egg nature to how our situation evolved. When we moved 2 years ago, it was very disruptive. My W became withdrawn and depressed and distant, and our relationship suffered. I felt like I tried to meet her needs, but I also started to try to express my needs. Our intimacy fell off a cliff, which was a problem for me, and I tried to initiate conversations about it, but just in raising the issue my W felt blamed and shamed. I felt like she didn't care about my feelings, and instead she started to complain about almost everything - housework, kids, her career. I made changes to try to help her, but it felt like the more I tried, the more she pointed out problems. I had some resentment as I felt she was making no effort on her side to listen to what I had to say. I started to question whether she loved me, and on one occasion got fairly histrionic about it as I was looking for reassurance and she had none to give. I regret how I handled myself, and can see how she would experience it as me being wildly unpredictable. I was never verbally or physically abusive, but I did cry. By the time I pulled over the car in March to try to have a conversation with her (a terrible decision on my part), I was sure that she was thinking about leaving the marriage.
I don't minimize my role in what happened. I do think that we triggered each other. My W's extreme distance and unwillingness to have an open conversation, combined with my fear of abandonment and NGS issues, created this toxic stew. She experiences it as me being unpredictably emotional at times. This has scared her. She feels abused. I experience her as a controlling, cold, domineering person. I've come around on my issues quite a bit, but I don't feel she has.
I would have loved to talk about the episodes that have fed her fear in MC. She has not been willing to discuss so far. I wish we could have a mature adult conversation about it, where I could take my responsibility for what happened, rather than have my W letting her mind race and go to dark places. I have noticed when she does mention things, certain details have changed to the point they are untruthful, and it alarms me.
Here's an example: Back in May, pre-BD but while I was DB'ing, one of my GAL activities was to play guitar at night in our guest area. As this area is soundproof, it didn't wake up the kids, and sometimes I would sing. My W took this as me losing my marbles.
This is a big rambling mess of a post. I don't think she is using fear/abuse as a strategy to control the situation intentionally, but it certainly does feel very controlling on my side.
