Which is, in mature relationships, you'd expect it not to be all wide-eyed adoration and admiration, but also include an admission of and an acceptance of the spouse's shortcomings. I'd hope to be in a relationship where my spouse could accept my shortcomings. I can accept that I am not perfect and I am working on my flaws.
Is it a flaw in me that I am unable to accept this shortcoming of his? His inability to be vulnerable enough to say sorry? That feels like a pretty big deal to me - a deal-breaker - and that isn't something I say lightly. The ability to take responsibility, to say sorry and to make repairs seems to me to be a fundamental part of being a mature adult and one of the foundations of a healthy relationship. Am I wrong in this?
Alison,
In healthy relationships, partners accept each other's shortcomings, support each other, compromise, and have open and honest discussions. I know this to be true even though I can't say I've experienced it yet myself. I hope one day to find it!
But even in those relationships there will always be some sort of conflict. I think it's all about how you work as a couple to resolve the conflict. It sounds like you have made a little progress with your H - whether or not you end up piecing, it's encouraging to hear that you are able to work together better than before, if only for your children's sake.
Regarding your H's inability to say sorry, it is what it is. I sense you are questioning your feelings and judging them, rather than just accepting what they are. Your H used to be emotionally and verbally abusive - he has toned it down, but you see echoes of his prior behaviors in his inability to apologize, and perhaps more importantly, his inability to accept responsibility in situations such as the conflict with your eldest. It makes sense to me that you can't completely ignore the past, and would also question his changes. Is he just changing outward behaviors, or has he changed the fundamental thoughts, beliefs and attitudes that drive those behaviors?
Unfortunately it's common for men to struggle with apologizing and saying sorry. Many men are too proud. Others feel sorry underneath but struggle with being vulnerable enough to open up as it does not feel "masculine." Other men will overly apologize as a symptom of NGS - I call this the false apology because they tend to feel bad about themselves rather than own their behavior.
I don't think you are wrong in wanting a man who can apologize and own up to his behavior. I also think it is reasonable to question whether your H is capable of the changes you would like to see. Change is hard and grueling.
Regarding your H going to IC, is he sharing what he works on there? My W goes to IC and I have no clue what they work on, but after 6 months I see no changes. My own experience in IC has been that it is a great supplement to personal growth, but the impetus for my changes came from outside IC. I would not hold out hope that IC is necessarily going to initiate change.
