The major difficulty in this whole process is my W playing the victim role. She talks a lot about being scared and frightened of me. She gets upset if I stand up for myself calmly. I have worries about how D will go, as I assume we are heading down that path at this point.
Ok mate, I fully get your drift. My XW is like that too, but hasnt said she is scared or frightened of me thankfully. Was this her attitude too when you were married, or is it new since separation?
This is tricky to handle. You'll need to make the call if this is just bravado on her part in wanting to control the situation. For me, when my XW and I discussed finance split and exchanged offers, I stood firm on what money I wanted (it was a fantastic deal for her anyway), and simply told her "I'm firm on my position". She ranted, raved and told me she hated me, then a few days later accepted I was immoveable.
I'd try the minimalist approach to responding (without things like 'hope you're having a good time...") and see how she reacts, let it wash over you like waves smashing a granite shoreline, then wait a day or so to see if she changes.
If she says she's 'scared' of you, ask her to tell you what about you scares her so you can understand where she's coming from. Then stand back, gesture for her to talk, and adopt a neutral, contemplative stance.
Yeah my STBXW is scared of me too and has given specific reasons because of my former reactivity to irritating situations, so now I choose not to discuss things in person unless absolutely necessary. All by email. This way emotions aren't high, and there is a record of what was said this way there are no memory issues on both our parts.
I think these former high emotional and willful reactions are based in individual perceptions as skewed as they may be. I think it is a mix of protecting yourself and being bravado when someone is scared or hurt.
