This might be an unpopular opinion, but maybe you need to err on the side of being firm but really softening the message. Your W may be completely wrong about you and vilifying you, but as they say, her perception is her reality. I know that I get triggered when I get a plain “no” response. Would it work it cushion it a bit so that there is no way any sane person could say you were being anything but amicable? For example “Sorry, no that won’t work for me.” ?
To be clear, I mean this for your sake, your sanity in communicating with her/co-parenting and your protection in the event of D proceedings.
Thank you for the feedback, I think it makes sense.
For the example I mentioned, I did say more than No. I think I said something to the effect of, "No that doesn't work for me, I already gave you one of my nights to you and I would like time with the kids." When pressed she will put me on the defensive.
Your point about softening my messaging is well-taken, though. I will explore ways to do this.
One thing I have tried is the positive lead-in, or pos-neg-pos sandwich. For instance, I may text her:
"Hope you are having a good time with the kids. I wanted to remind you we need to discuss XYZ so we can firm up our schedule."
The little positivity seems to help. It goes against strict DB advice, but I consider it acceptable because I am not looking for a reconciliatory reaction out of her.
I've had these types of exchanges, and for the both of us it could come across as willful and defensive on both parties digging in their heels. I've learned when something doesn't work for me or vice versa that usually stating a "no" in the form of a question helps. Tone delivery plays a big role in it too... “Sorry, no that won’t work for me.” ? Sounds defensive, pre meditated and willful. I try... Keyword.. Try...to deliver those responses like "I'm sorry that isn't going to work for me because of XY and Z...Is there a more comparable solution we can come up with and agree upon?"
I used to get and give the "No that doesn't work for me." Response all the time in the beginning of my sich. Its irritating and again willful.
I get these from my STBXW all the time: "Hope you are having a good time with the kids. I wanted to remind you we need to discuss XYZ so we can firm up our schedule."
Still irritating to me because it is W's way if constantly trying to remind me if stuff, I've already given thought on, planned on, and already have a handle on. I typically don't respond to these responses until hours later, when I have the clear ability not to react to it. I try to look at it from a different perspective that they're making a request in a polite and amicable fashion rather than trying to be your coordinator.
