Thanks for your posts. I've been mulling them over for a good few days now, especially in the light of a couple of parenting type talks that H and I have had recently.
His opinion is that I was so permissive with the children, and such a door-mat, that he was forced to be the disciplinarian and he was much stricter and more critical than he wanted to be because he was making up for what he saw as my deficiencies and the impact they were having on the children.
I could equally say the same thing - he was so strict and critical and berating of them, that I didn't want to add to it, and found myself offering comfort and understanding when I could see the kids were hurt by his harshness, lack of love and affection and praise.
I guess 'who started it' doesn't matter (we're not in agreement on that - his pride doesn't allow him to let that part of the narrative go!!) but resolving it does. We are in agreement that we both need to move a little bit more into the middle - that I'm a bit firmer and more boundaried with the kids, and he offers more praise, love and affection and checks the emotionally and verbally abusive tendencies in the way he speaks to them. I can say that we both have been doing that.
It's interesting though. I WAS a doormat with the kids - for whatever reason - but I was with him too. And I think the irony escapes him that in wanting me to be firmer in my boundaries with the kids, I've also been firmer in my boundaries with him. You can't have one without the other. That's worked much better for me and I feel more centered and happier and generally more 'safe' in my interactions with him. I don't see so much of the verbal and emotional abuse any more. He's stopped that, and he's also started being - well not affectionate - but complimentary of my parenting now and again, and much warmer and friendlier in interactions overall.
What's sad, and is where I am at the moment, is that I am struggling to feel respect for him. He has a lot of issues which he claims he is working on in IC - and that's his business. He works hard and is reliable and dependable - he meets his responsibilities financially without my reminding or nagging him, he is fairly involved, giving his working patterns, with the kids school lives and extra curricular stuff - he's not an 'absent' dad. He's taking care of himself and his health much better, and that's good too.
Where I struggle to find respect is in his need for dominance. It's not coming out as verbal or emotional abuse any more - perhaps just because I don't see him that much - but I do see it in his inability to take responsibility. He still can't apologise. He made a pretty minor mistake the other morning - blamed it on Eldest (who reacted angrily) and when he realised his mistake, instead of climbing down and owning it, said that Eldest's reaction was the thing that needed dealing with. Eldest did need to go elsewhere and calm down, and I did have a firm conversation with him about communicating through words and not through slamming doors - but at the same time, he's a teenage boy who has been through a lot, and is incredibly frustrated, and in that situation he was right, he was not being listened to, and I'd have been frustrated to. Eldest said: 'he should have said sorry to me, but he just can't - he's not strong enough,' and while I listened and did not badmouth H to Eldest, I thought he was exactly right.
A man who is not strong enough to admit when he's made a mistake - however minor - and is not able to apologise is not a man I can respect. I've noticed he can admit fault at work - but only to his 'superiors' and this leads me to wonder if there's a bit part of him that considers wife and children to be 'inferior'. I don't know this for sure. But I do know I am only interested in a relationship with a man strong enough to be vulnerable, and honest enough to treat his children with respect and care and me as an equal.
It's a shame - because day to day things are going well, and I think we would be on the road to piecing in some form or another if I didn't feel this undercurrent of disappointment and lack of respect for him. He deserves a wife who can admire and respect him, and who can feel proud of him. I don't need him to be perfect. But I do need him to be comfortable with not being perfect himself and have some humility. And he's just not that person.
I think the key here is to step back a bit more, to be honest. I won't diminish him to his children as that is not to their benefit, but I can listen empathically to Eldest while holding him to a standard of respectful and polite behaviour. I can admit my own mistakes and shortcomings and work on them. That feels like more than enough to be getting on with right now.
