22 years gone

[rooskers]

I now know why she said I didn't have an affair and I am not seeing that guy anymore. She did have an EA with him maybe PA I have no idea but it ended pretty much after D13 and I outed her in June. My belief is she had three affairs going on at the same time, the first was developing a family relationship with her new group of friends at the gym (she worked out 6 days a week with them the past year) so she had people to help her through leaving me, the second was with my D13's best friend dad which I think was a cover for the real affair, the third was with this guy she met online. I think they were completely separate in the sense that she replaced our family with these friends and OM's with me but they didn't know about each other.

When D13 and I outed her about the relationship with D13 best friends dad she at first told daughter she did take walks with him holding hands and did talk about her marital problems with him. Word got around and all of a sudden he disappeared from her life and she told everyone I was just making stuff up to turn D13 against her (D13 was the one who witnessed it). She even told D13 that it must have been some other girl she saw with him. This enabled her to show to her new exercise family how awful and controlling I was and that she couldn't go anywhere or I would yell accusations at her. I never even accused her of anything only told her D13 did not feel comfortable around him or her exercise friends which D13 asked me to tell her. Regardless he was quickly out of the picture.

The real affair was with some guy from another state. I have no clue how long they have been in communication but I know it was before the divorce was final and he wanted to meet her badly in real life. They finally met in real life last week to do some big obstacle race in a state up north and he even offered to buy her a plane ticket for the event. He is very big into these races and goes all over the country to do them. I also know they have even talked about one of them moving so they can live together but XW at this time won't because of D13 and he validates that by telling her he understood that from the beginning but then goes on about how great his home is. He actually validates every accusation and hateful thing she says about me. The creepiest thing is he looks about 15 years or more older than her and looks exactly like her stepdad and same age as her stepdad when he died of cancer about 12 years ago.

Her stepdad was a super control freak and verbally abusive to her. Now she is idolizing her stepdad to her new friends and this guy. History has been rewritten so that I was the one who was super controlling. It appears that all the harm her stepdad and mom caused her is being blamed on me and she has now found a guy who is in the same profession as her stepdad was, looks like him, and is about the same age as he was when he passed away to replace me. I was replaced by her abusive dad. I have no idea if this guy is abusive emotionally or physically but in every other way he is the same. Even though we are divorced I still worry for XW but I know that there is nothing I can do

Now I know we are divorced and why the heck should I care or even let other people tell me about this stuff. I should tell them I don't care and move on with my life. XW has no idea I know any of this and almost nobody knows I know. It is just hard because I helped her through some extremely tough times with her parents and was always her rock. All those things they did to her is now being piled on me. XW is treating D13 exactly how her mom treated her. I worry so much that the trauma D13 is going through is going to result in this painful cycle never stopping.

I tried to fix a severely traumatized young women 22 years ago and am just now realizing it wasn't possible or even my job to fix the damage in her. I believed if I loved her enough and surrounded her with my family and friends that everything would be all right. The end result was pain, horrible endless pain.