Gerda's Prayer Takes the Form of Angels

[Rita]

Thank you for these replies, Grace and Job and DnJ. I do devour the replies when they are posted and read them several times over the next days, and then I get sucked into the maelstrom and don't post for a while.

About why I don't block -- at first it was to gather a file of them to use at trial. Obviously I have enough now, but then, because we have young children, I need to arrange visitation with him, and I like to keep a record of everything, esp since mostly he cancels or ignores anything about them -- even if it's something like S14 needing glasses.

I keep asking him to only correspond about visitation but all that has happened is that he still writes but copies his lawyer on everything. His e-mails are so out there, I guess his L realizes he is crazy but just loves to collect the billable hours. His L is very religious but I guess he does not see any conflict in encouraging this horror to go on in order to make as much as possible off of it.

It is an endless onslaught and all so very clear that this is a mind unraveling because I am not even sure what he is fighting for, as far as the D. He thinks I am hiding money but he has all the documents. He thinks the property is worth way more than it is worth, but the appraisal is coming soon. He even went into a fury that I put his stuff in storage, even though I packed it all myself, lugged it down to car and lugged it to storage place, paid the first two months. He wrote this long crazy e-mail about my need to control everything and how he wants the court to punish me for it.

And he called me "my ex-W" for the first time. That really cut my heart, I am not gonna lie.

When I do not have to deal with him, or when I am not hit with a wave of grief, my life is okay. S14 is doing a lot better -- still a mess but much less of a mess. So far has gone to school everyday on time except one day because he had a procedure done on his foot and couldn't walk that well. He is not really complaining about school that much, at least not like he used to, and he hangs out with his sister a little bit lately. There was a shoplifting moment but just a candy bar. He still talks about all those dark topics but he has been skateboarding all day with friends again and has not been playing video games on the PS 4 though he is still totally addicted to his phone and now needs glasses because of it. So he is not out of the woods but definitely it's not as intensely bad.

D10 cries a lot, is extremely needy (to the point that i lose patience and then feel terrible) and is unable to focus on academics (and also has some real learning disabilities) but also enjoys her best friends, etc.

I would say that both kids are suffering quite a lot but that they are walking through life with some fun and friends.

The finanical situation is really hard on all of us but I have not lost the house yet and have managed to feed everyone, even if everyone is mad at me for not being able to buy anything ever.

I spend a lot of time talking to God about everything. I am looking for His love in a new way. All this time I was looking for it by being good. Now I do not want to be good. I met with a priest recently, not my spiritual father but another one that just started at my parish and who is very young. The conversation was about adultery and annulment and all of that. It was a pretty upsetting conversation and made me think a lot about what my faith means. I realize that if I see this nightmare in any way as a test that I am not passing, I would not lose my faith but I would not follow God anymore. I know that God is love, that is what brought me to Christ. So I am trying to live what that means and sometimes I am very lost because I can't understand it. I thought a lot about the way I am with my son, and how much I love him even when he refuses to follow my "rules" or just in general to make bad choices. I get sad about what his life would be but I don't stop loving him. So that is where I am now. I may not be being clear but I don't want to give all the details! But this relates to what Job says -- I don't think God in any way would "have a problem" with my divorcing because I don't want one, even now. I am just being forced into it. And of course I total separation financially and also physically for now. But the issue is what will happen to me after this. The issue is standing, and what I do while I am standing.

In that way, DnJ, maybe you and are in the same place. Except that I think if someone wonderful came into your life, you would love her with your beautiful loving soul/heart and that would make your choice for you. For me I don't want a blended family or any of that. But I have considered some far less serious possibilities and don't know anymore what I will do. DnJ, I am writing the least in response to your posts, but you know your posts are to me the pinnacle. I was especially touched this time that you posted, and then you came back to check on me, like always. (And bare midriff, that is my terror for when D10 does that!) Yes, I was looking and yes, it helped me feel less alone when I saw that you posted, and came back to check on me with your cheerful how-do-you-do second post because you knew I was low. Oh and yes, the job for S14 was AMAZING. Transformed him, it was so amazing, and finally some wonderful men came along who cared and helped me with my son, so we were both so happy about it. But it was at the island just for two weeks, I need to find something comparable back here in the city.

OK, that is my update. When is our reunion? : )