Things can be going along so beautifully, and then the deep sadness rears her head.
With all this upheaval over the past few weeks I've been feeling pretty good. No pits in my stomach, no real thinking about STBXW. I was starting to (almost?) look forward to receiving D paperwork so I can just put this behind me and move on without the fear that she'll show up and throw me off my groove. I realized I live in a lot of anxiety that I'll see an email come through from her. Checking my email is a regular part of my day, and there's a tiny bit of anxiety every time, and I don't want to live like that. I know that communications will stop after the D. I never initiate them.
What I wrote before is exactly how I feel: I'm afraid she's going to pull the rug out from under me again. I feel that way with every communication.
So with that feeling I've been almost anxiously awaiting D paperwork so that we can be done with this power she has over me.
She did write last week saying her lawyer needs my address as part of the paperwork that is finally being worked on. I know this is true, but I really didn't want to give it to her. I don't have a PO Box, so my address is where I'll be living. I just wanted to be under the radar so she doesn't know where I am.
I don't have any fear of her in a physical sense - but a tiny part of my has a fear she or her OW would show up in some craziness at my door. I don't know. I have no reason to think that. But I just didn't like it. I ended up providing the address anyway, because I couldn't come up with a valid reason not to that wasn't based on irrational fear.
But today she crept into my thoughts. Who she was before. And I can't see her coming back, and I'm so sad over this. I can't see her ever realizing that she was an equal part to our problems and 100% the reason for the D. That starting with just an apology would open a door to us.
I don't see her ever reaching that self-awareness, and that makes me both sad and feel like a total @$$hole. Who says that about the person they love(d)?
It's like I've split her into two people officially in my mind. The woman she was before and that I'm starting to miss again. I'm missing her deep down where it hurts. And then the woman she was for the last 9 months of our R with the A and gaslighting and horrid, horrid behavior towards me. The woman who I believe is now in a full R with the OW and I believe also engaged. Who the F is that woman??
Despite everything, I think long-term I could forgive. I can't believe I'm even in a space where I'm contemplating it in my mind, but if I saw the woman I fell in love with in front of me I think I could maybe forgive the rest. Is this maybe part of the bargaining stage of grief? I'm thinking it might be. Grief is such a long, slow process.
It just hurts so bad that I don't think I'll ever hear from her again. Not the true W that I used to know.
