Was up early this morning outside of not sleeping well, I wanted to be gone before W and D2 got moving. Managed to get out of the house before seeing them.
Perhaps you think detaching means to avoid. I will copy a short version of the definition of DB detaching in my next post. You are working way too hard at avoiding your W and D2. (BTW most posters here identify they daughters by age, rather than order of birth......just in case it confuses anyone.) I read Another Stander's advice and I don't think he meant to completely avoid any possibility of seeing your W. IMHO, he was saying to just back off and stop trying to fix things with the methods you were using.
Quote
She will get half and I am not bitter over that, at least not yet. She does well and has had the opportunity to save a substantial amount of cash unbeknownst to me until very recent. She did tell me but is reluctant to disclose the actual amount. I find it hard to see this as a piece of a master plan that has been put in place.
Believe it. She has been a wayward wife for quite some time, and if there's one thing WW's do.....it is to look out for #1. Yes, she has been sneaking and planning for a while. I don't know if the law can force her hand (should you divorce), but I would be checking with a lawyer. Don't tip your hand and let her know what you are thinking. Is she employed or was this your money she was stashing?
Quote
I understand how in the past I have been accused of talking too much. Got good advice to leave her alone and stop talking. I agree My monologues haven’t gotten me anywhere. The new me is finding this hard but working on it. It’s very different due to her usually keeping everything close to the vest and never verbalizing, and I express exactly what is on my mind and then some. Always a negative outcome. I am wondering if this is what I should be doing because the lack of communication seems counterintuitive and not a positive approach.
Like I previously stated, I don't think the advice was to taken to mean you never communicate or that you try to escape the house without running into her. As the LBH, you may struggle to stay balanced when you read advice. I've been shocked to discover how some LBS's interpret the 37 rules, but I think it is partly due to the emotional stress they are under (It just couldn't be the way they were written. ) Also, after you are here for a little while, you'll learn our personalities and writing styles.
People like you and me have the desire to talk. We need to talk. That's how we deal with life is talking about it. I am married to a man who does not talk. I would try to have a conversation and it would always end with me having a monologue. If I had to guess, you are wondering how on earth the marital problems will be resolved if nobody is talking. You and I see talking as communication, but everyone doesn't agree, especially if emotions come into play. I think you said something about your voice getting stronger/louder as you spoke to her. I like to see men with good strong voices, but did you know that sometimes if a man speaks softly but seriously to his W, it has more effect than yelling? I am not talking about a timid voice, or one full of fear or dread. I mean getting close to her, looking her dead in the eye and softly making a statement. Don't get weird or anything. You could start to practice controlling the tone and volume of your voice, when you are talking to others, as well as to family.
Let me ask you a couple of questions. Do you feel the urgency to talk with your W, so as to find out where she stands or tell her what you think? If she's still talking divorce, will you beg again for her to go to counseling, or will you give in to what she says? Based on what I perceived about the dynamics in your relationship, she is the leader and you follow whatever she tells you. If I'm wrong, please tell me. Just b/c she isn't the main talker, doesn't mean she isn't the one in charge. This happens a lot when the H has the mentality that a "happy wife is happy life".
Quote
I am struggling with how to stay quiet and avoid any communication, outside of what she may start, and trying to build trust.
Well, I've said enough about the talking, so I'll try not to repeat myself. Do you have a plan? Do you know what you really want? Not what she says, but what you want? She knows how to play this game much better than you, right? She can wait you out. I don't think a standoff is good, except to cool down and try to get control of emotions. I think that's how a lot of couples get into a sexually starved marriage. They are waiting on the other spouse to initiate, so they go for years in a standoff. BTW, I'm not telling you to go talk to her. Just hear me out, first. You need to know where YOU stand about her deceit and manipulation. You say something about trying to build trust, but what you are referring to is you having to earn her trust. Am I right? You see yourself as being the spouse who did something as bad as cheating. Well, when I came to the board back in 2007 as a wayward W who was still in an Internet affair, I was told by several LBH's that there was NOTHING worse than betrayal. If I tried to explain my situation, they shut me down (or tried to) and said if I wasn't happy in my M that I should have done the decent thing and get a divorce. Imagine that! I mean, nothing is worse than betrayal? That was the consensus of those posting to me at the time.
I said all of that for a purpose. Know who has betrayed whom by cheating with another person. If and when the subject arises, know exactly what you will not tolerate in your MR any longer. You need to study boundaries, b/c you really need to protect your feelings from this woman who manipulates your mind. Your self respect has flat lined, and the women in your household (especially the W) will never respect you until you can respect yourself. As already noted by others, you deserve better. Maybe she does, too. These issues did not pop up overnight, so I wonder if there is something deeper going on.
Anyway, don't get into a hurry to talk about things, b/c you need to do some serious soul searching about what you wish you had.....from what you really have. For example, you said you didn't know why you should still love her, but you do. My question is do you love the girl you married, or the woman she became? Know your own heart, before you try to convince someone else to change theirs.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
) Also, after you are here for a little while, you'll learn our personalities and writing styles. 
