Lately, she has been coming over for dinner pretty consistently almost every night. What am I supposed to do? I can't just leave my house every time she shows up. Am I supposed to go hide in the bedroom while she's in the kitchen eating her dinner? That doesn't seem like an attractive thing to do. Help?
Are you inviting her over for dinner? If not, how does she let you know she's coming? Is she doing her laundry there, and manages to be there at dinner time? If the latter is the case, then you might get dressed to go out and then tell her that you previously made plans for that night.
What's attractive to the W that has left her H and is currently in an EA, may not look so attractive to the LBH. FWIW, I don't advocate that the LBH hide from his W.
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Now, I admit our marriage was not perfect, and I certainly was not perfect. But now she says the last 13 years of being together were hell for her because I was too controlling and selfish. I was not aware she felt this way, and I told her that these are things we can work on, if only we both commit to working on them.
Does she mean you are too controlling and selfish with just her? Would you be willing to work on "too controlling and selfish" without her commitment? I mean, just do it b/c it would be a more attractive version of you?
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My question is: How do I proceed with this situation?
First step, IMHO, is to become informed. You start by reading the links on Cadet's post. This will arm you with effective DBing methods. Next, start going out and getting a life that does not include your W. Start filling in the calendar dates with plans. Learn to be a bit more private when interacting with your W, and not give away your information. The point is to create a more interesting, even mysterious man. Don't try to impress her, and don't pursue. Don't discuss with her anything we tell you, unless we specifically suggest saying certain things.
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Should I do the LRT? Or just the regular non-LRT stuff in the book The Divorce Remedy?
Well, whenever a spouse has dropped the bomb, moved out, and is in some type of an affair........I think the LRT is in order. However, I'm not sure you are currently ready to proceed with the LRT. Call it female intuition, or b.s. I feel you really want to find a softer approach.
Let me ask you a question. If you discover that her EA has turned PA, will that be a deal breaker for you?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
