I cheated, we survived, now my wife's cheating

[sandi2]

Would you fill in some time lines for us at the bottom of the page? List the ages of you & W; when your A started and ended; when W found out; when W asked you to leave; when she started her A, etc.

I want to make sure I understand your sitch, so please bear with me as I go back over some things you've posted.

So we started to text more and she tried to flirt with me a few times, but I actually shut that down, told her it made me uncomfortable because I was married. I should have said I wasn’t going to talk to her anymore at that point, but I had never dated anyone but my wife and getting attention from a woman 9 years younger than me made me feel pretty good, I guess.

What happened that caused you to change your mind about OW's flirtatious texting? I mean, things progressed to a PA, so you must have changed your mind about it.

Now looking back I completely believe I fell into limerence.

Do you see limerence something beyond your own volition?

Now this next quote is where I start to get confused:

Then after about a year I started coming out of the fog, I started seeing how much my wife loved me, how manipulating, selfish, and controlling this other woman was, and me and my wife started spending more time together, even going out with friends and having date nights. Mind you my wife knows I am not happy in the marriage but has no idea I am having an affair.

Which came first..........you coming out of the fog; seeing how much your W loved you; or seeing OW's faults?
Did you start spending more time with your W after you were able to see how much she loved you? However, you continued the A, until you got caught when OW was blowing your phone?

I didn’t want to be this person anymore. But she always found a way back in and I truthfully believe it had to do with me being in limerence and telling myself that I would never would have had an affair unless this woman was my “soulmate”.

First of all, forget all that stuff about finding your "soulmate". It has been used for many M breakups. People have this idea that a soulmate aligns perfectly with themselves and there is never any issues to work on b/c they are so perfectly matched. Secondly, limerence is not an excuse for engaging in an affair. The more you tell yourself that you "fell" into a state of limerence and that you could have never, consciously, do such a thing to your W.........unless this OW was truly your preordained soulmate, the more you deceive yourself. You are trying to find justification for your conduct, and there is none. Limerece or finding one's soulmate doesn't remove your volition. It is extremely important to take full ownership of your actions. Don't place blame on the OW, limerence, soulmate, depression, etc.

So, I text the other woman in front of my wife told her done, over, I love my wife, ect. I then blocked her, and deleted every form of communication. Then came months of talking, I admit I had a hard time letting go, and I was depressed. I had never broken up with someone, and at that point I thought I loved her, but I also knew I loved my wife and kids.

Good, you did the right thing. I totally get having a hard time afterwards. Who were you talking to for months.......your W or the OW? Affairs have a very addictive nature. I'm really surprised that you got over it in only 3-4 months............considering OW works in the same building. Do you see her at a distance?

After the affair ended and everything came out about that affair with my wife, I asked her about switching jobs. She said I didn't need to do that.

This makes no sense to me. Are you saying that after you learned about your W's affair, then you asked her if you should switch jobs? It was after you learned about her affair that you started a transparency plan?

I think her anger toward you not staying to talk, had more to do with being left alone to deal with all the kids

That's one thing, she has yet to be alone, completely alone since we separated. She either has the kids, or she is with him. So she hasn't really dealt with being alone yet.

Let me say it this way. I think her anger was less to do about you not staying to talk......and more to do about her having to take care of four kids on her own, without your help.