You did ok- its hard to deal with this type of crazy
and Truthfully, I dont think it matters-
They will leave no matter what we do-if that is in their mind
They will push the envelope so far until they get a reaction- they will take NO responsibilty for their part, of anything He is escalating and will find a way to justify his actions and make it about you anyway-
I think what matters more at this time is you and your kids What do you need to do to take care of things when/if he leaves Do you have a plan, so he cant walk over you
No matter what they say about taking care of you and the kids, once they leave there commitment shifts to their new life I agree with KML..The new lifestyle with OW will grow old and her kids will be in a worse off position living with them
I would protect the kids first with legal help/counseling to deal with their pain and confusion- until they adjust and they will adjust as long as you remain solid-
Im sorry for your pain-- hang in there
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
You didn't "blow it" by setting firm boundaries. The car is in your name, of course he's not taking it. Take the keys away from him if you have to. He's working, let him buy his own car.
If you have any joint financial accounts, take half the money out and put it in your own private accounts.
You need to step back a bit and take off your rose-colored glasses. I know you love him and he's the father of your children, but he's abusive, disrespectful and probably a narcissist. You've been putting up with way too much for way too long. You may not even be able to see how abnormal this relationship is until you have some space from it, or are in a new relationship with someone who treats you with respect. I know that was true for me.
Good for you, btw, for starting your own successful business. Keep the focus on that and on providing stability and joy for your children. Nurture your friendships and family relationships.
And even though you're not married, consult a lawyer to find out your rights!!!!
I'm so sorry you are going through this. It truly is awful.
It will be so much better once he leaves. H was only at home for a few weeks after BD, and it was horrible. I was sad when he left, but that quickly turned to relief. The space will do wonders for your mental health. And honestly, if he is with OW, he already left in his mind. He's a jerk for trying to make you do the 'pick me' dance.
Good job on keeping quiet about the OW! It is hard having to keep your intel a secret, but it is smarter for the long run. I'm in the same situation, it is furiating to see him looking all smug and knowing he thinks I'm stupid. Do you have some close friends and family members that you can confide in?
As far as legalities of him moving out -
If the car is in your name, it should be yours, even in a community property state. (both of our cars are in H's name) Especially if you aren't married, it is yours. You could call and report it stolen if he takes it without your permission. If you need proof of adultery for legal reasons, you are allowed to put a GPS tracker on the car if it is yours (confirm with a L).
Talk to a L about child custody and be careful about setting precedent. Keep the kids at home with you until you get legal counsel. I let H take the kids overnight, and now my L says I probably can't take away overnights because I already let him do it (grrrr). I regret letting H bully me into a schedule before I talked to a L. Make a formal schedule and stick to it. Pick a schedule you like, he's the one that moved out. Research standard schedules where you live. Let him see what a divorce will look like. If he doesn't want to be with you, he needs to experience not being with the kids 50%+ of the time. That's divorce life. Don't sugar coat it for him. He is firing you as his spouse - it is no longer your concern if he is happy or not. Do what is best for you and the kids.
Whose name(s) is your house under? Talk to your L about not letting him back in the house after he moves out.
Is there legal separation where you are? Taking legal action seems like you are giving up on the marriage, but you have to protect yourself. My H moved his paychecks to a separate account and drained the joint account after declaring that he wasn't going to financially screw us over. Trust nothing that they say. They are selfish liars and you need to take care of yourself and your kids.
The situation is a nightmare, every day you get through it is a success! Be proud of yourself! You are awesome!
H is moving out tonight. Because I have said I will keep the car he apparently can’t get to work easily unless he moves in closer with his “friend”. He has justified over and over that this is his only option.
Whether this is ow or his friend I don’t know. I think it will be telling the kids that breaks my heart most. He also asked if He can come back on Friday night while I go out with work on a night out!
He has said that he needs to be away from here to see if he misses me etc or if there is anything left worth fighting for. He said that he loves me but there is no spark, he can’t breathe in this house, feels trapped etc. Oh and also he doesn’t like to watch the same things as me on Netflix.
I was going to buy the house we rent. His name is still on the tenancy so he will need to remove it himself before Incan do anything. In terms of money we have separate accounts but I have most things in place. I can do the child payments legally or just directly from him. While I think the first month he will pay up its the months after that I think I may have to do it legally.
We haven’t discussed splitting anything as he said he doesn’t know how long this will be for.
He actually seems in high spirits about going which is sad.
Yeah they have a high about changing their circumstances. It's like a wolf in a trap biting off their own leg to get free. He's convinced his unhappiness will end with the move - he doesn't realize that it will just move with him, but he won't be able to blame you for it any more.
This is not about you.
Btw why can't he buy his own car? Get him to take his name off the tenancy as soon as you can; you can always add it back later if he makes a miraculous turnaround, but if you delay getting it done, he might refuse to do it later just to spite you. Strike now while he's happy about leaving (or pretending to be).
Just remember - he loves you but NOT ENOUGH TO STOP HIS FREAKIN' AFFAIR!!!!
If he says it to you again, it's okay to reply: "Apparently not enough to stop your affair and get counseling."
Right now he loves the "drug" more than his family. Like an addict, he'll try to have both, but you need to stand firm. You're more than happy to go to couples counseling IF he gives up the OW.
I suspect, though, that by the time he comes to being willing to do all that, you'll have realized how nice it is not to be with an abusive spouse.
I feel awful today and hope I now get stronger each day.
I suppose I’m wondering what now? His parting words were “ let me know when you are ready to talk” which actually I think should be the other way round.
I plan on NC unless it’s regarding the kids. I think In his mind he thinks he can come round when he feels like it which won’t be the case.
"he doesn't know how long it'll be for" Well it will be as long as YOU determine, not him. He thinks this is within his power - ie K will just accept me back if I decide to. He thinks he is IT.
It's your job to show him/yourself/ the world that you will not sit around waiting for him. That's for you and your strength.
Either it will be permanent or YOU will decide that he has done the required work, dropped OW and shows true commitment to the M.
Tell him if he's coming round to see the kids that he lets you know in advance as you have things that you will do whilst he takes care of the kids. Even if you get in the car and sit in a car park. Get dressed up to go and sit in the carpark though!
There is no need for any 'talk' - the cards are on the table from both parties. You both have things to do; he has to grow up and you have to recognise how strong and great you are and that you don't need an abuser in your life.
Time to be a bit selfish Kirsty. The way forward is to concentrate on you. it will be easier now he's not in the house. I know that's a rubbish thing to go through, but I think it's better for the LBS mental health.
