It struck me the other day that I really don't care what H thinks of my parenting decisions. I'd prefer it if we could co-operate peacefully, and most of the time we do right now. And that's great. But now and again I will do something I think is best and he won't like it, and he's going to have to live with that. I'm confident that I am a good enough parent most of the time and that when I make mistakes, they are errors and not instances of abuse.
That's a huge thing for me because I spent my life trying to please and placate him and get his approval and feeling like a deep down terrible person unless I had it. Obviously I don't think I am a perfect parent - I can and will make mistakes, and when I do I will correct them, and again, I don't particularly care what H thinks of that.
So I wondered, if this is dropping the rope and the healthy way to go about things, how do people build healthy relationships when they don't really care that much about what the other one thinks of them?
I realise this is an awkward and clumsy question - probably betraying my innocence in what an adult healthy relationship actually looks like. And I mean it theoretically as I'm not piecing, don't really intend to start anything with anyone else, and am just curious about what I don't know and haven't experienced myself.
How can a marriage work when both parties are healthy and differentiated and detached from the opinions of the other? What does that look like when there is disagreement?
Alison -
I'm piggy-backing off IW here, and also speculating more than stating facts.
I think healthy relationships can involve attachment. But it is a secure attachment where each person is self-differentiated and supports both the relationship AND each other's individual needs and desires.
I can see where this gets cloudy. Are you doing something nice for your partner to please them and seek approval, or because you love them? It's confusing, and this is why I suspect I will proceed cautiously in any future relationship (including the possibility of reconciliation).
I sense you have this new-found confidence and self-awareness in your values. You are confident and assertive about your decisions. This does not mean you don't care about what someone else thinks. It just happens your H is judging you harshly, and in a way where you cannot have a reasonable conversation. In a healthy relationship, I imagine your partner would support your decisions, or if they disagreed at least have a respectful, honest, open discussion about them.
I don't know if this will resonate with you. You know about my story of grabbing my son's leg. My W calls this abuse. I call it a parenting lapse where I wish I had restrained my emotions better and handled it more calmly. I do not dismiss what I did, but at the same time, my son was not physically hurt, and it was unconditionally not abuse. I wish rather than taking a judgmental and aggressive stance, we could have had an open, honest, caring discussion about how to make better decisions. Even if we disagreed somewhat.
One last point: When you don't care as much about what other people think, that enables you to be a more open and honest person which I suspect will naturally draw other like-minded people.
