So I wondered, if this is dropping the rope and the healthy way to go about things, how do people build healthy relationships when they don't really care that much about what the other one thinks of them?
Wow - since I read your post, I have been thinking about this all morning, Alison.
I'm no relationship expert and I'm so far from piecing it's not even an option at this point, but in my opinion at some level, at least a small part of us has to care what our partner thinks of us. Otherwise what is the point of being in a relationship?
Maybe I'm way off base here, but to me there has to be some level of reciprocated feelings, and those feelings would seem to indicate that your partner does care.
Originally Posted by AlisonUK
How can a marriage work when both parties are healthy and differentiated and detached from the opinions of the other? What does that look like when there is disagreement?
To me, all marriages require some level of attachment. It's kind of the definition of marriage, IMO. I think detachment is necessary for those of us in troubled R's - as a way to distance ourselves and protect ourselves from the chaos emanating from our WAS's.
I think the balance between differentiation, detachment and attachment all hinges on whether the relationship is a healthy one or not. All manner of grievances or mistakes are potentially forgivable in a healthy R, while this is not the case at all in an unhealthy R.
I've always thought of a healthy MR as having 3 separate entities. The 2 partners individually and the 3rd being the Marital unit of the combined two.
Of course, differentiatiating yourself in an MR is never a finished task - it is always something that you have to work at. That is one of my own personal issues that I am working on - I made the error of not evolving in the R.
Others will probably have different views - but that's my take on it.
